God was really working on me during all of this. The one major thing throughout was this: His plan is so much better than my plan could ever be. How easy is that to say but how hard is it for us to actually understand? For all of this, I had my plan completely mapped out and I was VERY prepared for our son (at least I thought). You see, when we start believing so much in our plans, we forget to seek God's guidance in His ultimate plan for us.
I mentioned in a previous post that God and I had many conversations that were 1-way (me yelling at Him). I doubted His goodness, His faithfulness, His plan.
After being home from the hospital, I slowly started spending more time with God and resumed my quiet time. I began working on a study of James by Beth Moore. In one lesson, God hit me with a ton of bricks.
Here was the scripture that spoke to me: "If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double minded and unstable in all they do." - James 1:5-8
Ouch.Ouch.Ouch. Basically I shouldn't have expected anything from Him because I doubted Him. Here is the good news - He knows me inside and out and yet He still provides me everything I need, even when I am at my lowest point (even when that low point means being mad at him).
What has this taught me now? I do not want to be like a wave of the sea being blown and tossed by the wind. I want to stand firm in the hope and peace of God's promises. In order to do this, I must know what those promises are and they are found in His word. I look at scripture in a new way now. I look for those promises as well as the "tasks" that I need to do. It has completely changed the way I read scripture but also my outlook in so many situations. When we are grounded in His promises, things/problems just don't seem that big anymore.
Monday, January 19, 2015
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Miracle Birth Story - Going Home
After being in the hospital for 13 days, I was more than ready to go home! Will had to first pass a 2hour car seat test and be circumcised (which apparently you have to wait several more hours after that is done to make sure all is okay). So after the several hours of waiting (AGAIN...waiting!!), we broke free of the hospital!!
I cannot tell you how great everything felt - walking around, holding my son, the sun on my face, the fresh air, even riding in a car (even though that didn't feel the greatest). I truly felt like a new person, not only physically but spiritually. God had done something to me in that hospital and I can now say that I will never be the same.
Walking through the door of our home was enough to put me into an emotional roller coaster! I was flooded with feelings of joy, excitement, scared, worry, thankfulness, EVERY emotion under the sun. It was my safe place that I could finally feel all of those things. We did our usual ritual of introducing the dogs to the baby and getting him settled when all of the sudden I caught a glimpse to our breakfast room table. It was COVERED in gifts. There were preemie diapers, preemie clothing, cards of encouragement, food, gifts for me to be pampered, and so much more. I later found out that our freezer had also been stocked with food. My in-laws had gone to the grocery store and gotten everything we needed.
You see...this is what community is all about. My closest friends and my community group knew that I had planned for months and carefully calculated everything I needed, right down to stocking up for the first year of Will's life in diapers. But they knew I had nothing that would fit a preemie child. They took care of all of that for me!
I am forever grateful for my amazing support system. People that knew what I needed and I never had to say anything. People who prayed without ceasing for my family but also provided gifts of love and service. That is community. That is family. That is how I survived this crazy ride!!
Saturday, August 9, 2014
Miracle Birth Story - THE BIRTHDAY
Today was the day we had been waiting for. Today was coming early than we had all planned but today was the day Will would be born. I wish I could say that I woke up super excited and happy. Instead I woke up consumed with worry and fear. I immediately started second guessing our decision and if it was the best one. I felt sick to my stomach (not sure if that was due to lack of food and drink or what!)
The C-section was scheduled for 12:30pm. That was a LONG time to wait when you are up at 8am (thank God for ambien again and a decent night of sleep). Doctors were coming in and out making sure everything was good to go and trying to reassure me that all would be okay. They began prepping the room for baby and for my surgery. Lots of things were coming in and lots of things that I had no idea what they would be used for. One nurse explained to me that as soon as Will was born to not be alarmed if he did not cry immediately or if she did not say anything. She would be concerned with making sure all was well with him and then would let me know as soon as she could an update. Part of me is always excited to know every step of the plan but this was just confirming to me the chances that he was not going to be okay.
Then the moment hit me that I had been worrying all about Will and that they still did not know exactly what was wrong with me. Am I in danger? I immediately made sure that my living will was in my chart and that Matt knew what he was to do. You know - making sure I had a plan in place - are you surprised? I had been worried for weeks about what would happen to Will but we had never talked about if something happened to me. Scary.
Through all this, my parents and Matt's parents starting making their way to the hospital. Then I had our kids minister from church, Vickie, arrive with my best friend, Laura, to pray with me around 9am. Seriously - the sweetest prayer time I have ever experienced. BUT this also just made me completely lose it. All of the worry and doubt came flooding back. Both of my sweet friends reminded me that God was right there with me and with Will.
After hours of waiting and lots of pain (I could not have any pain medication because they wanted to make sure all of his vitals were not because of having some of my pain meds), the time finally came. I kissed my mom and told her that I loved her and did the same with Matt even though I knew I would see him in a few minutes. The walk to the OR was super painful and what I felt was like walking 3 miles! When we got into the OR I was met by the sweet anesthesiologist that was there when I had Elizabeth. His name was Dean and he was a God-send (I later found out that he was the father of one my sweet friends that was in our community group - coincidence?? I don't believe in those!). As soon as he gave me the epidural and spinal tap, I was given instant relief of all of the pain I was experiencing. They allowed me to sit there for a few minutes just so I could enjoy a pain free moment! It was EXACTLY what I needed.
Then they started preparing the OR for me and for Will. I guess I didn't pay attention to all of that with Elizabeth or there was just more "stuff" in there this time. Well...then my blood pressure bottomed out which made me feel yuck for a little bit. Then all of the doctors and the nurses started filing in and introducing themselves to me. I felt like I was in a whirlwind. People moving all around and I was lying still...helpless...out of control. I remember praying so hard that God would just show up in that OR and make it ever so clear to me that He was there. I needed to believe that He was there and was going to take care of us.
They started the C-section and then allowed Matt to come into the OR (my dad was already in there - thank GOD he decided long ago to become a pediatrician!!). I remember looking at both my dad and Matt and seeing the worry and concern in their eyes (which was easier to see when the masks cover everything but the eyes). Then pain came back again. This time it was because I could feel everything they were doing on my left side. Dean gave me some more medication but said it would take 3 minutes for it to kick in. So for a very long 3 minutes the pain continued. I remember thinking that I might just have pain for the rest of my life and I would have to just deal with it...and then the medicine kicked in!!
After only a few minutes but what felt like an eternity, Will was born.....AND HE SCREAMED!!! I have never thought that the sound of a cry would mean so much to me. We all started crying. This was what we were all so worried about - his lungs. He came out and let us know that his lungs were working just fine. Dr. Brawley, the neonatologist jokingly said he was going to lunch and started walking out! We were so glad to not need his services!
They cleaned him up a little and ran his stats and then he was able to come and lay with me until they were done! This was something that I never thought was going to happen. At that very moment as I was holding my baby, tears streaming down my face, I heard this sweet sweet voice that simply whispered "I am here". He was there. In everything, He. Was. There.
As I was holding Will, my doctor asked me if I wanted to know what they found. Of course I said YES! I wanted to know what all this pain had been about for the last few weeks. I was so worried they were going to tell me that they didn't know what caused it, or that it was all in my head, or that we just brought this child into the world early simply because I don't have a high pain tolerance.
She told me none of those things....
She said that my uterus was so thin that she barely had to touch it to make the incision. I later found out that it was so thin that she thought she had cut Will's foot when she made the incision. After that she was still dumfounded and said that with uterine ruptures there are no warning signs. She still couldn't figure out why I was in pain.
I knew the reason why - GOD. God knew that I needed to be in that hospital because that was the safest place for both Will and me. He knew that Will needed to be born on June 23 instead of July 23. He knew me and knew that I would not take it easy unless made to. HE KNEW EVERYTHING.
My sweet miracle weighed 5 pounds 9 ounces and was completely healthy. He did not have to spend one second in the NICU. He was perfect. He was God's sweet reminder of His promises to me and definitely an answer to many prayers.
It wasn't until weeks later that God started teaching me even more through this experience.....
The C-section was scheduled for 12:30pm. That was a LONG time to wait when you are up at 8am (thank God for ambien again and a decent night of sleep). Doctors were coming in and out making sure everything was good to go and trying to reassure me that all would be okay. They began prepping the room for baby and for my surgery. Lots of things were coming in and lots of things that I had no idea what they would be used for. One nurse explained to me that as soon as Will was born to not be alarmed if he did not cry immediately or if she did not say anything. She would be concerned with making sure all was well with him and then would let me know as soon as she could an update. Part of me is always excited to know every step of the plan but this was just confirming to me the chances that he was not going to be okay.
Then the moment hit me that I had been worrying all about Will and that they still did not know exactly what was wrong with me. Am I in danger? I immediately made sure that my living will was in my chart and that Matt knew what he was to do. You know - making sure I had a plan in place - are you surprised? I had been worried for weeks about what would happen to Will but we had never talked about if something happened to me. Scary.
Through all this, my parents and Matt's parents starting making their way to the hospital. Then I had our kids minister from church, Vickie, arrive with my best friend, Laura, to pray with me around 9am. Seriously - the sweetest prayer time I have ever experienced. BUT this also just made me completely lose it. All of the worry and doubt came flooding back. Both of my sweet friends reminded me that God was right there with me and with Will.
After hours of waiting and lots of pain (I could not have any pain medication because they wanted to make sure all of his vitals were not because of having some of my pain meds), the time finally came. I kissed my mom and told her that I loved her and did the same with Matt even though I knew I would see him in a few minutes. The walk to the OR was super painful and what I felt was like walking 3 miles! When we got into the OR I was met by the sweet anesthesiologist that was there when I had Elizabeth. His name was Dean and he was a God-send (I later found out that he was the father of one my sweet friends that was in our community group - coincidence?? I don't believe in those!). As soon as he gave me the epidural and spinal tap, I was given instant relief of all of the pain I was experiencing. They allowed me to sit there for a few minutes just so I could enjoy a pain free moment! It was EXACTLY what I needed.
Then they started preparing the OR for me and for Will. I guess I didn't pay attention to all of that with Elizabeth or there was just more "stuff" in there this time. Well...then my blood pressure bottomed out which made me feel yuck for a little bit. Then all of the doctors and the nurses started filing in and introducing themselves to me. I felt like I was in a whirlwind. People moving all around and I was lying still...helpless...out of control. I remember praying so hard that God would just show up in that OR and make it ever so clear to me that He was there. I needed to believe that He was there and was going to take care of us.
They started the C-section and then allowed Matt to come into the OR (my dad was already in there - thank GOD he decided long ago to become a pediatrician!!). I remember looking at both my dad and Matt and seeing the worry and concern in their eyes (which was easier to see when the masks cover everything but the eyes). Then pain came back again. This time it was because I could feel everything they were doing on my left side. Dean gave me some more medication but said it would take 3 minutes for it to kick in. So for a very long 3 minutes the pain continued. I remember thinking that I might just have pain for the rest of my life and I would have to just deal with it...and then the medicine kicked in!!
After only a few minutes but what felt like an eternity, Will was born.....AND HE SCREAMED!!! I have never thought that the sound of a cry would mean so much to me. We all started crying. This was what we were all so worried about - his lungs. He came out and let us know that his lungs were working just fine. Dr. Brawley, the neonatologist jokingly said he was going to lunch and started walking out! We were so glad to not need his services!
Dr. Brawley waiting
As I was holding Will, my doctor asked me if I wanted to know what they found. Of course I said YES! I wanted to know what all this pain had been about for the last few weeks. I was so worried they were going to tell me that they didn't know what caused it, or that it was all in my head, or that we just brought this child into the world early simply because I don't have a high pain tolerance.
She told me none of those things....
She said that my uterus was so thin that she barely had to touch it to make the incision. I later found out that it was so thin that she thought she had cut Will's foot when she made the incision. After that she was still dumfounded and said that with uterine ruptures there are no warning signs. She still couldn't figure out why I was in pain.
I knew the reason why - GOD. God knew that I needed to be in that hospital because that was the safest place for both Will and me. He knew that Will needed to be born on June 23 instead of July 23. He knew me and knew that I would not take it easy unless made to. HE KNEW EVERYTHING.
My sweet miracle weighed 5 pounds 9 ounces and was completely healthy. He did not have to spend one second in the NICU. He was perfect. He was God's sweet reminder of His promises to me and definitely an answer to many prayers.
It wasn't until weeks later that God started teaching me even more through this experience.....
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
Miracle Birth Story - Part 6
The weekend was quite possibly the longest weekend of my entire life. Matt and I tried to pass the time by creating documents for the Belize trip, playing cards, and watching movies. On Saturday, he was able to spend the day with Elizabeth and also spent the night at the house. This was so important to us because she had been with Matt's parents for this entire time. What broke my heart was when she told Matt and I that she wasn't going to stay at our house until "mommy was home". Luckily, she was easily convinced with some bribing to go :)
I spent Saturday watching Lifetime and just enjoying being alone for a little bit. Funny thing was that it was apparently the weekend to show every crazy pregnant movie on Lifetime. I was at least able to laugh about the irony of it all.
Since it was just me in the room, I was able to talk more with my nurses. I had one nurse who was just absolutely incredible. She must have known on that Saturday that I just needed someone to talk with (that was not family or friends). She stayed in my room for almost an hour as we just talked about everything from kids to church. She made me feel so at ease about what was going to happen on Monday and then she assured me she would see me on Wednesday for when I was going to be going home WITH my baby. Her positive thinking and attitude was exactly what I needed.
So many times it is so easy to get sucked into the negative thinking and worry. The closer the days were getting to Will's BIRTHday, the more I was being sucked in. So thankful for her spirit and words on that day to start changing my thoughts.
_________________________________________________________________________________
Sunday
Normally I look forward to Sundays. Actually, they are my favorite day of the week. I get to spend the mornings with my larger family at church and I am able to be filled back up with the Spirit in order to start my week again. This Sunday I was longing to be there...to sing the songs...to hear His promises, to hear the message, to hug people, to talk to people, to be OUT OF THIS HOSPITAL. I wanted my normal life back again.
All I remember about Sunday was that it felt like it lasted for an eternity. I was looking at the clock so much (actually...the clock broke at one time which sent me into panic - no worries, the nurse fixed it immediately!).
When we let worry consume us, time stands still. We are not able to enjoy the time we are given. Oh the many lessons God taught me during this....
Tomorrow was the day I was dreading and excited about!
I spent Saturday watching Lifetime and just enjoying being alone for a little bit. Funny thing was that it was apparently the weekend to show every crazy pregnant movie on Lifetime. I was at least able to laugh about the irony of it all.
Since it was just me in the room, I was able to talk more with my nurses. I had one nurse who was just absolutely incredible. She must have known on that Saturday that I just needed someone to talk with (that was not family or friends). She stayed in my room for almost an hour as we just talked about everything from kids to church. She made me feel so at ease about what was going to happen on Monday and then she assured me she would see me on Wednesday for when I was going to be going home WITH my baby. Her positive thinking and attitude was exactly what I needed.
So many times it is so easy to get sucked into the negative thinking and worry. The closer the days were getting to Will's BIRTHday, the more I was being sucked in. So thankful for her spirit and words on that day to start changing my thoughts.
_________________________________________________________________________________
Sunday
Normally I look forward to Sundays. Actually, they are my favorite day of the week. I get to spend the mornings with my larger family at church and I am able to be filled back up with the Spirit in order to start my week again. This Sunday I was longing to be there...to sing the songs...to hear His promises, to hear the message, to hug people, to talk to people, to be OUT OF THIS HOSPITAL. I wanted my normal life back again.
All I remember about Sunday was that it felt like it lasted for an eternity. I was looking at the clock so much (actually...the clock broke at one time which sent me into panic - no worries, the nurse fixed it immediately!).
When we let worry consume us, time stands still. We are not able to enjoy the time we are given. Oh the many lessons God taught me during this....
Tomorrow was the day I was dreading and excited about!
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Miracle Birth Story - Part 5
Wednesday
Thank GOD for Wednesday!! Quest Staff was celebrating our Student Minister's 30th Birthday and they surprised him by having a birthday party for him a Chucky Cheese. One of my best friend's is also on staff and she kept me updated with play by play texts and pictures. I cannot remember laughing that hard in a long time! My heart was filled with joy.
God knew I needed a break in the midst of this storm. He gave it me in the form of text messaging and pictures but He reminded me that so many good things can happen even while we are in those storms.
Later that night, I received a text and I will forever save. It came from our children's minister and also just dear friend and mentor. She simply sent this: "God will turn our temporary pain into eternal gain. And that's the rewards we are after"
I also had no idea how much I would cling to this quote later.....
Thursday
God must have known I needed Wednesday in order to deal with Thursday. I woke up in a great deal of pain and my pain level never went down. This was extremely discouraging because I was still praying that I would wake up one day in no pain and be able to go home. This was the complete opposite of my prayers.
In the midst of the pain, goodness came. It came in the form of a sweet nurse that came in and let me know that I could come off all the monitors and my IV could come out. YAY!! I was finally free (well..sorta...but I would take what I could get!!). I cannot even begin to tell you how this helped me mentally. There was something glorious about not being hooked up to anything! I think it also gave me a false sense of security that everything was really not as bad as the doctors were thinking. I later learned that my doctor was very much against taking me off everything but the high risk doctor assured her it would be okay.
By this time, the amount of visitors had started decreasing so it left more time for Matt and I to work on some things for the Belize Youth Camp he would be leading in several weeks. It was great to get my mind off things. The problem was that we were able to do everything in a short amount of time so it left more down time for me to start surfing the internet. Self-diagnosing is a bad thing. Searching the internet for other people that have had similar situations - BAD IDEA. Searching about preemie babies - ANOTHER BAD IDEA.
My brain would not shut off. I could not think of many positive things. Honestly, I missed out on seeing so many blessings from this point forward because I was so preoccupied with all of the "what ifs". I started doubting the plan. I doubted my doctor's abilities. I doubted if I could wait 4 more days. I doubted if Will would survive. I seriously doubted that God would take care of Will and me.
That is a scary place to be in when the God that you have trusted and loved for the majority of your life becomes the person you doubt the most. His promises slowly became not for me. I knew His words in my head but they were slowly fading from my heart.....
Thank GOD for Wednesday!! Quest Staff was celebrating our Student Minister's 30th Birthday and they surprised him by having a birthday party for him a Chucky Cheese. One of my best friend's is also on staff and she kept me updated with play by play texts and pictures. I cannot remember laughing that hard in a long time! My heart was filled with joy.
God knew I needed a break in the midst of this storm. He gave it me in the form of text messaging and pictures but He reminded me that so many good things can happen even while we are in those storms.
Later that night, I received a text and I will forever save. It came from our children's minister and also just dear friend and mentor. She simply sent this: "God will turn our temporary pain into eternal gain. And that's the rewards we are after"
I also had no idea how much I would cling to this quote later.....
Thursday
God must have known I needed Wednesday in order to deal with Thursday. I woke up in a great deal of pain and my pain level never went down. This was extremely discouraging because I was still praying that I would wake up one day in no pain and be able to go home. This was the complete opposite of my prayers.
In the midst of the pain, goodness came. It came in the form of a sweet nurse that came in and let me know that I could come off all the monitors and my IV could come out. YAY!! I was finally free (well..sorta...but I would take what I could get!!). I cannot even begin to tell you how this helped me mentally. There was something glorious about not being hooked up to anything! I think it also gave me a false sense of security that everything was really not as bad as the doctors were thinking. I later learned that my doctor was very much against taking me off everything but the high risk doctor assured her it would be okay.
By this time, the amount of visitors had started decreasing so it left more time for Matt and I to work on some things for the Belize Youth Camp he would be leading in several weeks. It was great to get my mind off things. The problem was that we were able to do everything in a short amount of time so it left more down time for me to start surfing the internet. Self-diagnosing is a bad thing. Searching the internet for other people that have had similar situations - BAD IDEA. Searching about preemie babies - ANOTHER BAD IDEA.
My brain would not shut off. I could not think of many positive things. Honestly, I missed out on seeing so many blessings from this point forward because I was so preoccupied with all of the "what ifs". I started doubting the plan. I doubted my doctor's abilities. I doubted if I could wait 4 more days. I doubted if Will would survive. I seriously doubted that God would take care of Will and me.
That is a scary place to be in when the God that you have trusted and loved for the majority of your life becomes the person you doubt the most. His promises slowly became not for me. I knew His words in my head but they were slowly fading from my heart.....
Saturday, July 19, 2014
Miracle Birth Story - Part 4
You would think that we would have gotten the results back exactly 24 hours later, right?? Me too! Apparently, that is not how things go. We waited most of the day in anticipation and worry. No high risk doctor to be seen. Finally my doctor came by and said that the results were "marginal". What does that mean?? Well...it means that his lungs aren't all the way mature but they are really close. So what do we do with this? Answer: we wait for the high risk doctor to come by. COME ON!!
During this time we asked everyone what this meant - everyone from my doctor, to my dad, to the neonatologists that were friends of ours that were coming by to check in on me. All said the exact same thing as above. I was beyond frustrated.
Our Pastor, John Kenney, came by to visit me on this day. His first words were "Sarah MacDonald, God has a sense of humor with you!". We all laughed but really...he was on to something. This recurring theme that I could only really see now looking back was that God was slowly breaking me. My drive for perfection and planning everything is good when used for certain things but not when I feel that I am in control of everything and God is in the passenger seat. I had placed Him in the passenger seat and was trying very hard to keep him there......
I went to bed that Monday night with no answers....only more confusion and doubting God.
On Tuesday morning, Matt left for his doctor's appointment. He has been having back pains and finally got in to see a doctor (of course it would be this week!!). After his appointment, he went home to get Will's room ready and pretty much complete my to-do list for me. OH - did I mention that our vacuum cleaner died on us the week before all of this?? So my house was a WRECK and I couldn't do anything about it. Thankfully, the vacuum was fixed and Matt did clean our house for me (one thing off the to-do list).
My mom came and stayed with me while Matt was gone. As fate would have it, my doctor stopped by while Matt was gone to give us an update. She said she had spoken to the high risk doctor on the phone and they both agreed to wait a week from the amniocentesis and then do a c-section. She had already booked the OR for Monday June 23 at 12:30pm.
I immediately called Matt and told him I needed him to come back because I had to process through all of this with him. He sounded relieved on the phone but I was not having those say emotions.
FINALLY an answer to prayer - that someone would just make a decision for me. You would think I would be completely relieved but I was not. This was then one of the first times that I completely lost it emotionally. I started crying and could not stop. All I could think about was if this was the best decision for our baby. What if he didn't survive? What is he did survive but because he came so early, he had defects that would be with him his entire life? Was I being selfish taking the "easy" way out to finally be out of pain? Am I already a horrible mother for doing this?
When Matt go there he did not even know how to handle me at this point. He was so sweet and comforting. Truly my rock through all of this. He simply held me and told me we would all be okay. I remember asking him what if Will was not alright and he told me that no matter what happened, we would get through this. Such power words to hear. Words I needed to hear. But God was telling me this as well but I just was not listening. He was telling me that His plan was at work and I needed to trust Him. Instead, I believed Satan's lies which were that my plan was better and God's plan was only putting my family in danger.
There was so much noise that I couldn't hear God's sweet voice until later.....
During this time we asked everyone what this meant - everyone from my doctor, to my dad, to the neonatologists that were friends of ours that were coming by to check in on me. All said the exact same thing as above. I was beyond frustrated.
Our Pastor, John Kenney, came by to visit me on this day. His first words were "Sarah MacDonald, God has a sense of humor with you!". We all laughed but really...he was on to something. This recurring theme that I could only really see now looking back was that God was slowly breaking me. My drive for perfection and planning everything is good when used for certain things but not when I feel that I am in control of everything and God is in the passenger seat. I had placed Him in the passenger seat and was trying very hard to keep him there......
I went to bed that Monday night with no answers....only more confusion and doubting God.
On Tuesday morning, Matt left for his doctor's appointment. He has been having back pains and finally got in to see a doctor (of course it would be this week!!). After his appointment, he went home to get Will's room ready and pretty much complete my to-do list for me. OH - did I mention that our vacuum cleaner died on us the week before all of this?? So my house was a WRECK and I couldn't do anything about it. Thankfully, the vacuum was fixed and Matt did clean our house for me (one thing off the to-do list).
My mom came and stayed with me while Matt was gone. As fate would have it, my doctor stopped by while Matt was gone to give us an update. She said she had spoken to the high risk doctor on the phone and they both agreed to wait a week from the amniocentesis and then do a c-section. She had already booked the OR for Monday June 23 at 12:30pm.
I immediately called Matt and told him I needed him to come back because I had to process through all of this with him. He sounded relieved on the phone but I was not having those say emotions.
FINALLY an answer to prayer - that someone would just make a decision for me. You would think I would be completely relieved but I was not. This was then one of the first times that I completely lost it emotionally. I started crying and could not stop. All I could think about was if this was the best decision for our baby. What if he didn't survive? What is he did survive but because he came so early, he had defects that would be with him his entire life? Was I being selfish taking the "easy" way out to finally be out of pain? Am I already a horrible mother for doing this?
When Matt go there he did not even know how to handle me at this point. He was so sweet and comforting. Truly my rock through all of this. He simply held me and told me we would all be okay. I remember asking him what if Will was not alright and he told me that no matter what happened, we would get through this. Such power words to hear. Words I needed to hear. But God was telling me this as well but I just was not listening. He was telling me that His plan was at work and I needed to trust Him. Instead, I believed Satan's lies which were that my plan was better and God's plan was only putting my family in danger.
There was so much noise that I couldn't hear God's sweet voice until later.....
Thursday, July 17, 2014
Miracle Birth Story - Part 3
Sunday was by far the worse day emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I was not able to sleep for very long probably because of the anxiety of getting an amniocentesis. They came in that morning to do the test which was NOT FUN! I am not afraid of needles and I consider myself to have a high tolerance of pain, but oh my....nothing prepared me for it (side bar - I have had other friends have this and they said it was not bad at all so do not be alarmed about my experience if you need to have this procedure done). The issue was that because Will was breach and there wasn't a whole lot of room left inside so the "pocket" they were going for was a very small one. Will decided immediately that he did not like it and started moving and pushing against the needle which cause all kinds of pain. This pain in addition to the other pain I was feeling was enough to set me over the edge.
She then gave me 3 choices that we would decide on after the results were given:
1. If I was in so much pain now, we could go ahead and do a c-section but if his lungs were not completely developed but it would just mean him spending some time in the NICU.
2. Wait a week and do a c-section and hope his lungs have developed.
3. Try and wait this out - "Only you know the pain you are in".
Really?? You are given me choices?? PLEASE SOMEONE JUST MAKE THE DECISION FOR ME!!
The worst part is that after it is all done, they tell you they will let you know the results in 24 hours. That is A WHOLE DAY LATER! Some of you who know me also know that I am not a very patient person. This whole waiting game was getting old and it had only been going on for a few days.
They then gave me another steroid shot and told me to rest. YEAH RIGHT! There is only so much rest one can do. I will say that my body was able to physically rest in the bed (well as good as you can when you are in pain 24-7). My brain would not shut off. I tried to busy myself with doing work and also talking with visitors.
Unfortunately, I was not a good person to be visiting on this day. I was incredible amounts of pain (pain killers did nothing but make me loopy and tired) and my brain was focused on if my baby was going to be okay if they took him early, what if his lungs weren't developed - would I be here for weeks, what if all this is stressing him out, why is everyone so worried about me? Looking back on it, I never fully understood the seriousness of the conditions they were discussing (more on that on a later blog).
All I could think of was everything still left on my to-do list.....
She then gave me 3 choices that we would decide on after the results were given:
1. If I was in so much pain now, we could go ahead and do a c-section but if his lungs were not completely developed but it would just mean him spending some time in the NICU.
2. Wait a week and do a c-section and hope his lungs have developed.
3. Try and wait this out - "Only you know the pain you are in".
Really?? You are given me choices?? PLEASE SOMEONE JUST MAKE THE DECISION FOR ME!!
The worst part is that after it is all done, they tell you they will let you know the results in 24 hours. That is A WHOLE DAY LATER! Some of you who know me also know that I am not a very patient person. This whole waiting game was getting old and it had only been going on for a few days.
They then gave me another steroid shot and told me to rest. YEAH RIGHT! There is only so much rest one can do. I will say that my body was able to physically rest in the bed (well as good as you can when you are in pain 24-7). My brain would not shut off. I tried to busy myself with doing work and also talking with visitors.
Unfortunately, I was not a good person to be visiting on this day. I was incredible amounts of pain (pain killers did nothing but make me loopy and tired) and my brain was focused on if my baby was going to be okay if they took him early, what if his lungs weren't developed - would I be here for weeks, what if all this is stressing him out, why is everyone so worried about me? Looking back on it, I never fully understood the seriousness of the conditions they were discussing (more on that on a later blog).
All I could think of was everything still left on my to-do list.....
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