Traditions

I have let my selfishness/self pity get the best of me this weekend. Friday night, I went to the Good Friday service at the new church we are attending. To be honest, I did not give it a fair shot. I walked in already knowing it wouldn't meet my expectations. Why do I keep doing this? Why does it matter that there is no choir or a sanctuary or hymns?

Then Easter came and I honestly went in with a better idea. I was orginally going to go to my old and new church so that I could get the best of both worlds. Then I thought that it was just silly and that I couldn't just retreat to what was comfortable for me. Also, it just wouldn't be the same without Matt being beside me. We went to the new church and I just cried. But...what was I crying about? Because they didn't sing Christ the Lord is Risen Today? Because I wasn't in a sactuary? Because it wasn't what I wanted for that morning? Because it wasn't what I have had for the past 26 years....

So of course I have been in my recliner with my Bible and having some one on one time. Well...it was more like a literal "come to Jesus talk". I have let the traditions, the surroundings, the "things" get in the way of worship. Or this weekend, I let the the absence of these things get in the way of worhsip. I still think this will be something that I will struggle with mainly because this has been something that has been a part of me for so long.

As I sat and listened to Christ the Lord is Risen Today (on YouTube and yes I did sing along), I became sad again because I realized that Elizabeth won't grow up to know these songs. Then I get into a fight with myself about but why does it matter what songs she grows up? The contemporary songs say the same thing. But my fear is that those songs change all the time and there is something to be said about the old hymns. Solution for now: download my favorite hymns and have them playing in the car to daycare.

For those of you that know me know that I have to have a solution to everything (hence the solution to the hymns problem). Maybe that is what I am struggling with the most is that this whole decision to leave my comfort zone was not my decision. God is the only one with the solution. And even deeper, Matt is now the spiritual leader of the house. Which is great...but some days do I wish I still had that control? Was it easier when he wasn't? Would I want it to go back to the way it was....if it meant Matt not being the man of God he is now, then NO.

Just learning every day that even when it looks easy, it isn't. Just when I think I have it all under control, He reminds me I don't.

Just when I get comfortable, He makes me uncomfortable.