You would think that we would have gotten the results back exactly 24 hours later, right?? Me too! Apparently, that is not how things go. We waited most of the day in anticipation and worry. No high risk doctor to be seen. Finally my doctor came by and said that the results were "marginal". What does that mean?? Well...it means that his lungs aren't all the way mature but they are really close. So what do we do with this? Answer: we wait for the high risk doctor to come by. COME ON!!
During this time we asked everyone what this meant - everyone from my doctor, to my dad, to the neonatologists that were friends of ours that were coming by to check in on me. All said the exact same thing as above. I was beyond frustrated.
Our Pastor, John Kenney, came by to visit me on this day. His first words were "Sarah MacDonald, God has a sense of humor with you!". We all laughed but really...he was on to something. This recurring theme that I could only really see now looking back was that God was slowly breaking me. My drive for perfection and planning everything is good when used for certain things but not when I feel that I am in control of everything and God is in the passenger seat. I had placed Him in the passenger seat and was trying very hard to keep him there......
I went to bed that Monday night with no answers....only more confusion and doubting God.
On Tuesday morning, Matt left for his doctor's appointment. He has been having back pains and finally got in to see a doctor (of course it would be this week!!). After his appointment, he went home to get Will's room ready and pretty much complete my to-do list for me. OH - did I mention that our vacuum cleaner died on us the week before all of this?? So my house was a WRECK and I couldn't do anything about it. Thankfully, the vacuum was fixed and Matt did clean our house for me (one thing off the to-do list).
My mom came and stayed with me while Matt was gone. As fate would have it, my doctor stopped by while Matt was gone to give us an update. She said she had spoken to the high risk doctor on the phone and they both agreed to wait a week from the amniocentesis and then do a c-section. She had already booked the OR for Monday June 23 at 12:30pm.
I immediately called Matt and told him I needed him to come back because I had to process through all of this with him. He sounded relieved on the phone but I was not having those say emotions.
FINALLY an answer to prayer - that someone would just make a decision for me. You would think I would be completely relieved but I was not. This was then one of the first times that I completely lost it emotionally. I started crying and could not stop. All I could think about was if this was the best decision for our baby. What if he didn't survive? What is he did survive but because he came so early, he had defects that would be with him his entire life? Was I being selfish taking the "easy" way out to finally be out of pain? Am I already a horrible mother for doing this?
When Matt go there he did not even know how to handle me at this point. He was so sweet and comforting. Truly my rock through all of this. He simply held me and told me we would all be okay. I remember asking him what if Will was not alright and he told me that no matter what happened, we would get through this. Such power words to hear. Words I needed to hear. But God was telling me this as well but I just was not listening. He was telling me that His plan was at work and I needed to trust Him. Instead, I believed Satan's lies which were that my plan was better and God's plan was only putting my family in danger.
There was so much noise that I couldn't hear God's sweet voice until later.....
Saturday, July 19, 2014
Thursday, July 17, 2014
Miracle Birth Story - Part 3
Sunday was by far the worse day emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I was not able to sleep for very long probably because of the anxiety of getting an amniocentesis. They came in that morning to do the test which was NOT FUN! I am not afraid of needles and I consider myself to have a high tolerance of pain, but oh my....nothing prepared me for it (side bar - I have had other friends have this and they said it was not bad at all so do not be alarmed about my experience if you need to have this procedure done). The issue was that because Will was breach and there wasn't a whole lot of room left inside so the "pocket" they were going for was a very small one. Will decided immediately that he did not like it and started moving and pushing against the needle which cause all kinds of pain. This pain in addition to the other pain I was feeling was enough to set me over the edge.
She then gave me 3 choices that we would decide on after the results were given:
1. If I was in so much pain now, we could go ahead and do a c-section but if his lungs were not completely developed but it would just mean him spending some time in the NICU.
2. Wait a week and do a c-section and hope his lungs have developed.
3. Try and wait this out - "Only you know the pain you are in".
Really?? You are given me choices?? PLEASE SOMEONE JUST MAKE THE DECISION FOR ME!!
The worst part is that after it is all done, they tell you they will let you know the results in 24 hours. That is A WHOLE DAY LATER! Some of you who know me also know that I am not a very patient person. This whole waiting game was getting old and it had only been going on for a few days.
They then gave me another steroid shot and told me to rest. YEAH RIGHT! There is only so much rest one can do. I will say that my body was able to physically rest in the bed (well as good as you can when you are in pain 24-7). My brain would not shut off. I tried to busy myself with doing work and also talking with visitors.
Unfortunately, I was not a good person to be visiting on this day. I was incredible amounts of pain (pain killers did nothing but make me loopy and tired) and my brain was focused on if my baby was going to be okay if they took him early, what if his lungs weren't developed - would I be here for weeks, what if all this is stressing him out, why is everyone so worried about me? Looking back on it, I never fully understood the seriousness of the conditions they were discussing (more on that on a later blog).
All I could think of was everything still left on my to-do list.....
She then gave me 3 choices that we would decide on after the results were given:
1. If I was in so much pain now, we could go ahead and do a c-section but if his lungs were not completely developed but it would just mean him spending some time in the NICU.
2. Wait a week and do a c-section and hope his lungs have developed.
3. Try and wait this out - "Only you know the pain you are in".
Really?? You are given me choices?? PLEASE SOMEONE JUST MAKE THE DECISION FOR ME!!
The worst part is that after it is all done, they tell you they will let you know the results in 24 hours. That is A WHOLE DAY LATER! Some of you who know me also know that I am not a very patient person. This whole waiting game was getting old and it had only been going on for a few days.
They then gave me another steroid shot and told me to rest. YEAH RIGHT! There is only so much rest one can do. I will say that my body was able to physically rest in the bed (well as good as you can when you are in pain 24-7). My brain would not shut off. I tried to busy myself with doing work and also talking with visitors.
Unfortunately, I was not a good person to be visiting on this day. I was incredible amounts of pain (pain killers did nothing but make me loopy and tired) and my brain was focused on if my baby was going to be okay if they took him early, what if his lungs weren't developed - would I be here for weeks, what if all this is stressing him out, why is everyone so worried about me? Looking back on it, I never fully understood the seriousness of the conditions they were discussing (more on that on a later blog).
All I could think of was everything still left on my to-do list.....
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
Miracle Birth Story Part 2
Friday
Within several hours of being in the hospital, they did an ultrasound of my kidneys and concluded that there were no kidney stones. This made the doctors rule out the "better" diagnosis. The high risk doctor came to visit me and they did an ultrasound to see if there were any adhesions from my previous c-section. They found some things that looked suspicious but could never get clarification on if that was the issue or not.
Things had finally calmed down some and my parents had left for the evening and Matt and I were trying to settle down to sleep. At that time, my nurse came into the room and asked me if I knew that I was having contractions every 2 minutes. I told her that I just felt constant pain but no contractions. I was no longer allowed to have food or drink and she went to call my doctors. Her words were "you might be having this baby tonight". We called my parents back up the hospital and the anxiety levels increased again. Have this baby? Tonight? This was NOT the game plan. He was to be born on July 23 during a 12:30pm c-section. He would share the same birthday as my late grandfather who he was named after. This was all planned out!! THIS WAS NOT THE PLAN! I still had bottles and things to sterilize at the house (yes - that was still all I could think about - things that I thought I could control).
My nurse came back in and said the high risk doctor said that as long as I could not feel the contractions then we were okay. Again, all I could think about was that I had all these things left to do that I had not done. Matt told me that I mentioned about sterilizing items about 10 times. I was trying to gain control over something and I realized that had control over nothing. My nurse found me something to eat, got me some pain medication, and a sleeping pill. Thank God for ambien because I do not how I would have slept at all during this entire ordeal.
Saturday morning I woke up to having contractions again but this time I could feel them. They were coming at 4 minutes apart. Doctors were called again and my food and drinks were taken away AGAIN. We then called my parents back up to the hospital because there was talk we would be having him in several hours. Contractions subsided and I was again able to eat and drink...except this time my appetite never really came back.
The high risk doctor came back in and explained that their main concern was uterine rupture. They talked about how rare it was but they couldn't explain my pain. The only thing that they could tell me was that I was not allowed to leave the hospital. There was then more talk about when we would do a c-section. I was given a steroid shot to help develop Will's lungs further and an amniocentesis was scheduled for the next day.
This is when I felt that I had completely lost control. I felt so scared and so mad at God. Him and I had so many conversations...well...I wouldn't really call them conversations. I did a whole lot of talking and yelling at God. Doesn't He understand how I like everything in order and nothing off schedule?? What was all this about? I just kept praying my pain would go away and we would be discharged....that never happened....
Within several hours of being in the hospital, they did an ultrasound of my kidneys and concluded that there were no kidney stones. This made the doctors rule out the "better" diagnosis. The high risk doctor came to visit me and they did an ultrasound to see if there were any adhesions from my previous c-section. They found some things that looked suspicious but could never get clarification on if that was the issue or not.
Things had finally calmed down some and my parents had left for the evening and Matt and I were trying to settle down to sleep. At that time, my nurse came into the room and asked me if I knew that I was having contractions every 2 minutes. I told her that I just felt constant pain but no contractions. I was no longer allowed to have food or drink and she went to call my doctors. Her words were "you might be having this baby tonight". We called my parents back up the hospital and the anxiety levels increased again. Have this baby? Tonight? This was NOT the game plan. He was to be born on July 23 during a 12:30pm c-section. He would share the same birthday as my late grandfather who he was named after. This was all planned out!! THIS WAS NOT THE PLAN! I still had bottles and things to sterilize at the house (yes - that was still all I could think about - things that I thought I could control).
My nurse came back in and said the high risk doctor said that as long as I could not feel the contractions then we were okay. Again, all I could think about was that I had all these things left to do that I had not done. Matt told me that I mentioned about sterilizing items about 10 times. I was trying to gain control over something and I realized that had control over nothing. My nurse found me something to eat, got me some pain medication, and a sleeping pill. Thank God for ambien because I do not how I would have slept at all during this entire ordeal.
Saturday morning I woke up to having contractions again but this time I could feel them. They were coming at 4 minutes apart. Doctors were called again and my food and drinks were taken away AGAIN. We then called my parents back up to the hospital because there was talk we would be having him in several hours. Contractions subsided and I was again able to eat and drink...except this time my appetite never really came back.
The high risk doctor came back in and explained that their main concern was uterine rupture. They talked about how rare it was but they couldn't explain my pain. The only thing that they could tell me was that I was not allowed to leave the hospital. There was then more talk about when we would do a c-section. I was given a steroid shot to help develop Will's lungs further and an amniocentesis was scheduled for the next day.
This is when I felt that I had completely lost control. I felt so scared and so mad at God. Him and I had so many conversations...well...I wouldn't really call them conversations. I did a whole lot of talking and yelling at God. Doesn't He understand how I like everything in order and nothing off schedule?? What was all this about? I just kept praying my pain would go away and we would be discharged....that never happened....
Monday, July 14, 2014
Miracle Birth Story Part 1
The last few weeks have been a complete whirlwind. We did not know what all was going on so we kept things pretty quiet except for our close friends. I have found that I have been telling our story a lot lately. The more I keep telling our story, the more I realized that I really needed to write everything down. God has done so many amazing things in our life and it would be crazy to not share it. This also gives us a way to be able to look back and remember this amazing time when God showed out in our lives!
On Wednesday June 11, I woke up early in the morning in extreme pain right below my pregnant belly. I waited for Matt to wake up and then I called my doctor's office. They told me to come straight in. After being hooked up to monitors and talking with my doctor, it was concluded that I probably had a kidney infection but we would know more the next day when the culture came back. Another doctor's appointment made for the following day. So I went home....still in pain.
Thursday we went back to the doctor and did the same thing. They still felt it was a kidney infection so they gave me a shot of an antibiotic just in case and told me I should have immediate relief. Another appointment made for the following day. Well...that relief never came.
Friday we drive back to the doctor and I am now in more pain than I was the previous days. A high risk doctor was contacted and both doctors talked for a while and had several concerns. The culture came back negative for a kidney infection but they still wanted to do an ultrasound of my kidneys to confirm. The worst case scenario was now given: there is a great risk of uterine rupture. The prognosis is not good for both mom and baby. It was decided that I would be admitted to Doctor's Hospital for a 24 hour observation. We were given several hours to go home and pack a bag and then report in to the hospital.
This is about when I started to get very nervous. I felt that I was slowly losing control and I did not like it. We went home to pack and I started panicking on what could happen. There had been talk of delivering Will early but I knew that as of that day (Friday the 13th), I was only 34 weeks and the thought of him coming early just scared me. I remember sitting in the middle of his nursery stressing because I hadn't sterilized anything yet (it was on that lovely to-do list of mine) and that I probably needed to get my breast pump stuff all together because if he came this early, he would surely go straight to the NICU.
We checked into the hospital knowing only a few things:
1. I was in intense pain
2. This was probably going to last more than 24 hours
3. The worst case scenario was very scary and becoming more probable the longer it went on....
On Wednesday June 11, I woke up early in the morning in extreme pain right below my pregnant belly. I waited for Matt to wake up and then I called my doctor's office. They told me to come straight in. After being hooked up to monitors and talking with my doctor, it was concluded that I probably had a kidney infection but we would know more the next day when the culture came back. Another doctor's appointment made for the following day. So I went home....still in pain.
Thursday we went back to the doctor and did the same thing. They still felt it was a kidney infection so they gave me a shot of an antibiotic just in case and told me I should have immediate relief. Another appointment made for the following day. Well...that relief never came.
Friday we drive back to the doctor and I am now in more pain than I was the previous days. A high risk doctor was contacted and both doctors talked for a while and had several concerns. The culture came back negative for a kidney infection but they still wanted to do an ultrasound of my kidneys to confirm. The worst case scenario was now given: there is a great risk of uterine rupture. The prognosis is not good for both mom and baby. It was decided that I would be admitted to Doctor's Hospital for a 24 hour observation. We were given several hours to go home and pack a bag and then report in to the hospital.
This is about when I started to get very nervous. I felt that I was slowly losing control and I did not like it. We went home to pack and I started panicking on what could happen. There had been talk of delivering Will early but I knew that as of that day (Friday the 13th), I was only 34 weeks and the thought of him coming early just scared me. I remember sitting in the middle of his nursery stressing because I hadn't sterilized anything yet (it was on that lovely to-do list of mine) and that I probably needed to get my breast pump stuff all together because if he came this early, he would surely go straight to the NICU.
We checked into the hospital knowing only a few things:
1. I was in intense pain
2. This was probably going to last more than 24 hours
3. The worst case scenario was very scary and becoming more probable the longer it went on....
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
How Can I Keep From Singing??
Busy schedule. Everyone tugging from every direction. Christmas list to be made and start shopping. Thanksgiving meal to be planned out and start preparing for. Every day routine sometimes thrown out the window. People close to us are sick or in need of extreme healing. Hurt all around.
This morning was one of the those mornings when I felt that life was spinning out of control. In preparing for a crazy weekend, I received a phone call that threw a curve ball in it! And...the call happened during my quiet time.
I was mad. Who calls this early and don't they know I have MY time with God??
"Mrs. Sarah, I just wanted to let you know that I am in the ICU at Doctor's Hospital and they don't know what is wrong with me."
Heart sinks.
There is a reason why I got that phone call right in that moment. God was reminding me that my time with Him is not supposed to be all about me.
In the midst of chaos, He brings us back to reality.
Then I pick up Jesus Calling needing some profound thoughts and it says:
What?? Obviously this was not for me this morning. Then I felt this overwhelming urge to BE STILL.
For those of you that know me know that this does not come easy for me. Then I heard this sweet voice saying, "your cup runneth over with blessings". I have been given opportunities to share His love in ways that I never thought possible. I am walking in warm sunshine of His love but the "things"of this world were like clouds trying to block that sun.
Thankful for my "come to Jesus meeting this morning".
I go on about my morning and drive to work. Usually I drive in silence but today I turned on the radio and I heard the most perfect song.
A song I couldn't help but sing at the top of my lungs this morning. Here is the You Tube video. I hope you can sing it at the top of your lungs at some point today!! How can I keep from singing when He does this EVERY DAY. Overwhelmed with His love and patience with me!
How Can I Keep From Singing
This morning was one of the those mornings when I felt that life was spinning out of control. In preparing for a crazy weekend, I received a phone call that threw a curve ball in it! And...the call happened during my quiet time.
I was mad. Who calls this early and don't they know I have MY time with God??
"Mrs. Sarah, I just wanted to let you know that I am in the ICU at Doctor's Hospital and they don't know what is wrong with me."
Heart sinks.
There is a reason why I got that phone call right in that moment. God was reminding me that my time with Him is not supposed to be all about me.
In the midst of chaos, He brings us back to reality.
Then I pick up Jesus Calling needing some profound thoughts and it says:
"This is a time of abundance in your life. Your cup runneth over with blessings. After plodding uphill for many weeks, you are no traipsing through lush meadows drenched in warm sunshine. I want you to enjoy to the full this time of ease and refreshment. I delight in providing it for you."
What?? Obviously this was not for me this morning. Then I felt this overwhelming urge to BE STILL.
For those of you that know me know that this does not come easy for me. Then I heard this sweet voice saying, "your cup runneth over with blessings". I have been given opportunities to share His love in ways that I never thought possible. I am walking in warm sunshine of His love but the "things"of this world were like clouds trying to block that sun.
Thankful for my "come to Jesus meeting this morning".
I go on about my morning and drive to work. Usually I drive in silence but today I turned on the radio and I heard the most perfect song.
A song I couldn't help but sing at the top of my lungs this morning. Here is the You Tube video. I hope you can sing it at the top of your lungs at some point today!! How can I keep from singing when He does this EVERY DAY. Overwhelmed with His love and patience with me!
How Can I Keep From Singing
Friday, October 4, 2013
It's a New Day!!
The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes
Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name
You're rich in love, and You're slow to anger
Your name is great, and Your heart is kind
For all Your goodness I will keep on singing
Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find
Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name
You're rich in love, and You're slow to anger
Your name is great, and Your heart is kind
For all Your goodness I will keep on singing
Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find
Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name
10,000 Reasons (Bless the Lord)
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Organizing 101: Part 1
I have had a few friends suggest that I share some of my organization techniques so here we go!!
4. Mail/Clutter Station
In our Community Group, our ladies are doing the study of Saving Super Mom (if you missed my review of it, check it out here: Saving Super Mom). What I have learned (among other things) is that we as moms make our lives so much more complicated when we are constantly running around doing things - can't find the homework, what is my child taking to show and tell today, I can't believe I haven't cleaned the guest bathroom and we have guests coming over right after work, etc, etc. You can fill in the blank with whatever you might be stressing out with right now.
Don't get me wrong, I still stress. Organization cannot take away all of the stress, but it can sure help!!! So, here are some tips that have worked well in our house as well as a few we are going to try out:
1. Lay out clothes for the week.
- I have Lizzy's clothes laid out in this hanging shelf. Every morning, she picks out what she wants to wear but it doesn't take very long because she only has 6 choices (some mornings I tell her to pick between the top 2)
- The white container underneath has her underwear and socks. This is right at her level so she can pick those out on her own.
- I also pick out my clothes for the work week and sometimes for the weekend as well. I simply hang them up in one corner of my closet. This has helped my mornings out SO much because I don't have to make any of these decisions.
2. Meal Planning
- I try and plan with Matt at least our weekly meals. We have a 15 day budget for food (we get cash out on the 1st and 15th so sometimes we try and plan for 15 days).
- We do NOT plan a meal each day. We (or Matt) cooks about 3-4 meals a week. We eat leftovers. This has helped our food budget tremendously. Also, cooking takes TIME and so now only have to cook maybe 3 days out of the week instead of 7 allows time for you to do something else.
3. Cleaning Schedule
- This is what we have tried the last few weeks. Matt was gone for an entire week and so I had time to clean the entire house and get an idea of what needs to be done each week. I have felt that Matt and I are doing double the work lately (I will get home and he will say he vacuumed and I will ask why because I just did yesterday - no dirt on floor, he was just trying to do the weekly vacuuming but didn't know that I already did it). So...I created this schedule and have put it in a picture frame so that we can mark off with a dry erase marker when that task has been done. This way we both know what is to be done. That way, if he is off that day, he knows what I might need help with. Ladies - this is KEY. Most of the husbands I have talked with say they will do more around the house IF THEY KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE. I know your response is, "he should just know" but he doesn't...trust me! So...I will keep you posted on how well (or not) this goes for us.
Here is the actual document:
1st Week: Dust and Vacuum Upstairs
2nd Week: Clean Baseboards
3rd Week: Dust/Wipe Light
Fixtures and Dust Fans 4th Week:
- One of the things I cannot stand is when someone brings the mail in and then just puts it in a pile - half of it opened and half not. I created this mail station with the inspiration of this blog: The Nest Effect. All mail goes right into the incoming mail file and then I go through it once every few days and then sort things from there.
5. Organizing Husband's Junk"
- So for everyone out there who has a husband that wears a uniform, you can may share in my misery that EVERYTHING that he needs to get ready in the morning (shirt stays, radio, gun holster, ear piece, etc) ends up on the counter in our bathroom. So...I bought these cheap little baskets at Wal-Mart and he can put everything he takes off into that container and I NEVER have to see it!!!
More to come :)
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