Thankful for GAP

41. Laughter of Billingsley siblings
42. Hugs from a stranger
43. Unexpected words of encouragement
44. Clean dishes in the sink
45. Hum of the car driving down the road
46. Silence in the car when all I hear are my thoughts
47. Mission team arriving safely home
48. Sitting with family in church
49. Tears of sadness for missing family but tears of joy that we will one day see them again
50. Elizabeth missing her daddy - her love for him shines through
51. $100 needed at just the right time
52. Words of thanksgiving from a man still in pain after multiple surgeries
53. Leadership of the church
54. A husband whose heart is for being there for others
55. Words leaping off the pages of the Bible
56. GAP Ministries


A few Thursday a month, I have the joy and privilege of leading a bible study for GAP Ministries which provides the poor with a food pantry, nursing assistance, birth certificates, and IDs. On Sundays, they provide a meal and worship. But Thursday mornings is what moves me. I remember the first time I can down there to lead the study. I was scared out of my mind! I was scared of the homeless. Yes...I do work with the homeless, but I thought, not "these" homeless. My homeless have background checks and kids, and are not "street" homeless. Looking back on it, I am embarrassed I felt this way. BUT...I realize that my feelings were no different than what many people feel when someone asks them to step out of their comfort zone. The first Thursday, I was scared to death. You see, I can talk in front of people about Interfaith, but not about God. I have NEVER led any type of Bible Study before. I have taught only a few Sunday School Lessons to a small group of my friends, but never to 50 or more people.

I cannot put into words what Thursday mornings has done for me....what God has done in my heart through some incredible people that come to GAP.

I definitely don't fit in. I am a small, white, woman in the midst of larger, mainly African American men. I can be loud and a "firecracker" and most are reserved and weary of strangers. I am sober. Some are drunk or struggling with addiction. I have a clean record. Some have served time in jail. I have a house. Many do not know where they are sleeping tonight. Many look just like you or I. Many are working so many hours of week but still cannot make ends me. I am filled with happiness. Many are filled with anger and resentment.

I have faith - many of them have faith stronger than I have ever seen.

I do not fit in. But I want to fit in. I want my faith to be so strong that even in plenty and in want, my faith in my Lord Jesus Christ is the same! I am thankful for God pushing me into GAP Ministries. If it were up to me, I do not know if I would have done it. I had so many excuses - homeless, fear of standing in front of people and talking about the bible, what if they asked a question I didn't know the answer to, what if....what if...

What if that one person never heard about Jesus Christ?

People need to hear and SEE the love of Christ. I am thankful that I get to do this specifically on Thursdays. I am thankful for each person there that has touched my life. And to think...I could have missed it!


Thankful...Thankful...Thankful...

31 Gifts and Counting

31. Husband that got up in the middle of the night with Carrigan
32. Sweet Elizabeth telling Carrigan "It's okay...I know...I know...your Mommy will be home soon". (tear)
33. Sun peeking through clouds on my drive into work
34. Hymns playing through Pandora at work
35. Quick trips to the Doctor's office
36. Familiar faces when anxiety increases
37. Unexpected meals with the hubby
38. Quiet days at the office
39. Light rain falling and the noise on the roof
40. "I wuv you too Mommy"

To Give Thanks....

16. a church community that supports and love
17. the smiles on faces at 4:15 in the morning as they leave for Belize
18. tears in church as we learn on how to be thankful
19. truth
20. a husband that loves the Lord
21. giggles and smiles with having 2 children in the house
22. teamwork
23. proud family looking on as Matt gets the governor's award
24. quite moments sitting next to each other
25. dogs snoring on the couch
26. contentment
27. stressful times that have a moment in peace
28. forgiveness
29. joy that comes only from above
30. little hands on my face drawing my attention in

Smaller Blessings?? Is there such a thing?

I feel as if I should clarify some things before I start this post: I am totally and completely grateful for the big things: Christ dying for me, a loving and forgiving God that picks me up when I fall, a home, a job, financial stability, family, parents, husband, daughter, etc, etc....I am not mentioning these this month because I feel that I am always thankful for those things but yet I fail to see the other blessings. I had to catch myself, because I almost wrote "smaller blessings". I do not see it that way. Everything God has given me is HUGE, it is just that I can only see it through worldly eyes in which the "big" things are those that we think we need (i.e. what is listed above). There are plenty of people who do not have those things but who are richly blessed.

I encourage you if you are going on this journey with me to seek out ALL that God is providing you with today...it is in the details. I am reminded that God does not make mistakes. You did not just run into that person for no reason, or see that insect in the grass, or look up and still the moon while the sun was up as well. Everything has a reason and a purpose. Don't take it for granted! So, how we learn to give thanks for EVERYTHING??

In Philippians 4:11-12 Paul writes "I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little."

I love what Ann Voscamp writes in One Thousand Gifts about this passage. Just to give you some background, she has written in the pages before about eucharisteo "he gave thanks" coming from Luke 22:19:

"It's Paul writing the letter to the Philippians. I read the fourth chapter. I almost don't see it, but Paul repeats it twice in only two sentences, so I don't miss it.

I read it many times, groping for the latch.

There it is - The secret to living joy in every situation, the full life of eucharisteo. Twice Paul whispers it: "I have learned...." Learned. I would have to learn eucharisteo. Learn eucharisteo - learn to live it fully. Learn it like I know my skin, my face, the words on the end of my tongue  Like I know my own name. Learn how to be thankful - whether empty or full." 

Wherever you are at right now, empty or full, we have to learn to be thankful. This does not come easy to us because we are of the world. The world tells us that we deserve these things and that we are empty if we don't have those "big blessings". Don't fall in this trap. Today, seek learn...seek to find...blessings.

6. sound of door closing letting me know my husband made it home safe from working the midnight shift
7. staff who are so flexible and love my families/children
8. words of encouragement from random stranger while voting this morning
9. feeling "full"
10. smell of heat coming on for the first time this season in an old office
11. Elizabeth saying "i gonna vote" this morning while going to vote withe me - reminder of this great country and the freedom to vote
12. smiles and laughter as my goddaughter walked to me at daycare today
13. cried of Elizabeth as I left her at daycare but knowing it is making her independent (sometimes the sad times are blessings as well).
14. the moon sharing space in the sky with the sun
15. wind gently bowing the branches of the tree out the office window


For these things, even though they seem "smaller" than other things, are all the blessings of an amazing God who continues to bless me every day. Father, I am so unworthy of these things but I cannot express my desire to appreciate you even more.

Thankful

It has taken me a while but in the last month I finally finished the book, One Thousand Gifts. It truly is one of the most amazing books I have read. I honestly think that it took me so long to read it because I never wanted it to end! The book encourages you to look at all of the blessings in your life and to be thankful to God for EVERYTHING. In trying to do this everyday, I have seen a difference in the way I view my life, my day, my family, my work, everything. Don't get me wrong, there are many days that I miss this completely, but for this month of November, I have taken the challenge that many are trying to do: document what I am thankful for during this month.

I am challenging myself to find more than just 1 thing daily to be thankful for. In the back of my mind I can hear Satan reminding me how crazy busy my schedule is looking like coming up...how will you ever have time to much less think about this, much less blog about it? I might not blog about it every day but I keep my list going!

1. warm bed on a cold morning
2. sweet noises of a sleeping child in the baby monitor
3. sun beaming through the windows and onto my desk
4. giggles of children on the IHNA bus
5. cold diet coke (this might come up more than once!)


Until the next posting...

In every part of my life??

Many people ask "How do you know that it is God talking to you?". Here is the greatest way that I describe how He talks to me:

In the past few weeks I have heard the same things said in a book I am reading, during a sermon, and then in my devotions - is God allowed in every part of your life or just some? Is He only allowed in when you need Him or can He come anytime? What room of your house is He allowed in? Just under the kitchen table? Just when you need Him to heal a friend? God wants ALL.

After I finally realized He was talking to me, I took offense! What do you mean, I have not let you into everything? YES I HAVE  (insert 2 year old temper tantrum)!!!! Then it hit me like huge truck - I only let Him in when it is convenient for me. I only let Him into the "pretty" parts of my life. It's like I try and cover up the bad even though He sees everything. Why is it we cover up the things that we probably need His guidance more on the ugly things than the other pretty/put together things? What is there to hide? That we are unworthy? We are unworthy no matter how nice and neat and perfect everything is. There is nothing that can win His love...so why do we hide?

With all the chaos and craziness in my life I was forced to sit back and look into my life. What was I keeping from God? To be honest.... a lot. I also realized that this was why things felt so out of control. They were out of control because I took the control away from God. I pretty much told Him I knew how to do everything the right way. This reminds me of Elizabeth when she starts to put her shoes on and says "I got it" or "I do it myself, Mommy". I know that she is going to have a hard time getting them on because they have buckles and not velcro. But I let her do it because I want her to ask for my help. I watch her struggle and fuss and I ask her if she wants Mommy to help her and if you have had a 2 year old, of course her answer is "NO!". Then minutes go by and after she is exhausted from trying and crying so she finally asks for my help. All this time, I am thinking to myself "if you would have just asked for my help, I could have saved you all of the tears and frustration". Isn't this what God is telling us?? Isn't He saying "If you would just give it all to me I could save you many tears and frustration". This is not saying things will be perfect but I can guarantee I have undergone plenty of unnecessary stress and chaos simply because i was not willing to give those areas to Him. Why do we have to learn it on our own first?

Today I am giving up my inner 2 year old - the one trying to do it myself all of the time. Join with me in making a conscious effort to give EVERYTHING to God, not just the "neat stuff" but the unorganized, chaotic, and messy areas.

Our Children...God's Children

If you are a parent or have been around young children you realize immediately that you are being watched ALL OF THE TIME. They mimic everything you do from your manerisms, to your words, even how you say things!! They learn from us as adults. They learn from the people around them. They learn from their parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, neighbors, teachers, etc.

So what are we teaching our children?

I was extrememly blessed to grow up with amazing parents who love the Lord. The main thing I want to pass along, not only to my child, but to every child that come in contact with, is that Jesus Loves Them More Than They Will Ever Know and He Wants a Relationship With Them. More importantly, my parents did not just talk about their beliefs and their faith, they lived it out in front of me. They didn't just talk about caring for the least of these, they did it. They didn't just talk about forgiving others, they did it over and over again even when I felt the person didn't deserve it. You see....that's how I know what Christ expects of me. Yes...Sunday School and Church helped me learn Bible verses and other key things but it was the actions of my parents that I learned the most from.

If my child could write down or say right now what her mother believes in or who I am all about, I am not sure what she would say. Would she say "Mommy loves her diet coke" or "Mommy likes to go on runs" or "Mommy's too busy" or _______ fill in the blank. Even though Elizabeth is only 2, she is watching everything. Funny story - when we are out to dinner and the waiter/waitress asks what we want to drink, Elizabeth always says "I want a Diet Coke". Now, she has only had 1 sip of Diet Coke about 1 year ago. She does not drink it and honestly probably doesn't even know if it tastes good. She has learned that this is what Mommy asks for and she sees me drink it. What else is she seeing??

God has entrusted all of us with His children. This is a HUGE undertaking and it is going to take an entire community of believers to raise a child. We as mothers need to support each other. We need to encourage each other that it is not going to always be rainbows and butterflies. We need to stop TALKING about how worried we are about the next generation and start DOING something about it!

2 Minutes

This was written back on August 31 but for some reason it was never posted:

So today is Elizabeth's 2nd Birthday!!! I know it is cliche but I have to say that I cannot believe that she is already 2 years old! When asked how old she is, she responds "2 Minutes!!!"

Maybe there is some truth to this statement. Now...I first must explain that she probably says this because she has to sit in time out for 2 minutes but I have been thinking of this for the good part of the morning. I truly feel some days that she has only been in my life for 2 minutes.

I am overwhelmed with emotion today because I cannot help but feel grateful for God allowing me 2 years with His precious child. My heart hurts for those that have not been able to see their child's second birthday. How quickly do we forget just how lucky we are to spend even 2 minutes with those we love. In just 2 years, Elizabeth has taught be so many things:

• To love deeper than I ever thought was possible
• My patience threshold is very low
• My priorities need realigning every day
• I cannot raise this child alone
• I am more aware of the need for Jesus not only in my life but in lives of children
• My house has never been so dirty before
• There is no mute button once they start talking
• Her singing You are My Sunshine will always melt my heart
• She is a reminder of God's amazing grace and tr

Saving Super Mom

In recent months, I have had conversation after conversation with Mothers who were worn out. These were working moms, stay at home moms, and great Christian women who I have always admired. The same topic in conversation arose, There HAS to more in this life than just waking up, doing the same routine, and then going to bed just to do it all over again. After reading this book, I have realized that so many of us mothers are searching for a way to realign our priorities. Saving Super Mom answers this question that YES there is so much more to life if we intentionally seek God's will, not our own.


I spoke in my blog a few times back on how we simply let life get in the way so many times. We try to do everything perfect so that no one will realize that we are falling apart. We as women especially feel that we have to "play the part". We have trouble saying "no". We have trouble saying "yes" to the things we REALLY need to say "yes" to. Why is this? Where does it say we have to look nice all the time, drive expensive cars, make it appear our husbands are the most perfect people ever, AND that our kids never misbehave???? Wow do we put unrealistic expectations on ourselves!


In the last few months, I have had the wonderful opportunity to read a book, actually a devotional, that has really made me rethink my schedule, my time, and my gifts. In one of the first pages, I read this and I stopped dead in my tracks:

"     The problem was that there was more of me doing the work than the Father. I had managed to smother - with obligations and expectations - the freedom given to me by the Holy Spirit. I was always tired and had little manageable margin to work with if one of my little duckies got out of its row. I was running on empty, too busy to ever stop and refuel.
      What I needed to do was to get out of my own way. First, God would need to be in charge of my agenda. After all, He created the world in six days. I'm pretty sure that He could get my kindergartener to school on time.
      Second, I needed to let God show me what my priorities should be. The end goal would be of His choosing, and I would manage my time according to HIs purpose. Then the pretty package on the outside would more accurately reflect the contents on the inside. My eyes would be open to the opportunities He placed before me. What could be better that to live within God's will for your life? I decided it was time to re-evaluate."

For me, I agreed that it was time to re-evaluate. And if you truly look into your life, is it time to really turn over your agenda to God??


 I love this book because Kristi Walters speaks the truth in love in this devotional book. Each chapter/lesson is short so that even the most overwhelmed mother is not worried that she cannot commit to reading several chapters a week. It is an easy and quick read for any busy mom. Within the lessons, mothers learn key concepts to allowing God to take back control in their lives. Each woman reading can relate to some story Walters shares. These stories remind women that we are not in this world alone. All of us are dealing with the same struggles but that there is an easier way - God's way.


It is designed to be a bible study and to share with other women. For so many of us, we think we can do all this on our own. God did not design us to walk through life alone. As mothers, we need to support each other, hold each other accountable....the only way to do this to meet, study, and be REAL with one another. So are you ready to take off the mask and be real with another mom? Do you know what would happen?? We would realize that we are all experiencing very similar issues and we can learn from each other. Novel idea, huh???


I say all this to really encourage all mothers out there to read this book. But I caution you - this is not a book that you can just sit down and read in a couple of days and then put it back on the shelf and check it off your to-do list. There are tools and assignments that really help you realign your time with God. Just reading this book will not do much....you need to actually do something...change!! And don't just do it alone, do it with other mothers!!!



Here is the website for the book. You can also buy it on Amazon.

http://www.savingsupermom.com/

Can you talk a little louder??

Several months ago Matt downloaded a song that he heard at church one Sunday when I wasn't there. I instantly loved it when I first heard it. I love how a song can say much to me at just the right time (more on this in a little bit).

These past few days have been a whirlwind. Work has been absolutely CRAZY. This is our busiest time of the year mainly because the kids are out of school so parents are finding it harder to find a place to stay for their entire family. The stories have been heartwrenching and I only have so much space in my shelter. On Wednesday I had an interesting meeting in a coffee shop (the rest of this story will probably come out in another blog when my mind stops running 90 miles a minute). I was asked to pray about something and give them an answer. Don't you just love when people say that?

Well...I did just that. I prayed very specifically that I would hear clear as day what God wanted me to do. I reminded Him that I don't listen very well and I am very stubborn so He might have to yell at me or put it on a billboard. After waking me up at 3am Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday you would think I would get the hint. It wasn't until church today that we sang this song that it finally hit me.


I can walk through the storm
I can walk by faith when my sight is gone
Just as long as you are here with me
And I can gain everything
But what do I have if I don't have the key
Oh I need to know you're here with me

Here I am calling out Father
Can you hear me, can you hear me
I don't want to go without you
Here I am can You talk a little louder
So I can hear You, I want to hear You
I don't want to move without You

Even though I believe
You've taken up a home inside me
And you'll never leave
I still need to know You're here with me

Here I am calling out Father
Can you hear me, can you hear me
I don't want to go without you
Here I am can You talk a little louder
So I can hear You, I want to hear You
I don't want to move without You

If Your presence goes I don't want to stay
If Your presence stays I don't want to go
If Your presence goes I don't want to stay
If Your presence stays I don't want to go
I need You

**Without You - Shane and Shane


It is a great song and like I said earlier, I have loved it from the moment I heard it. What struck me today was this line - Here I am can you talk a louder so I can hear you, I want to hear you. In church I heard God say - I CAN'T TALK ANY LOUDER.

Ever had these kind of moments when you know what God is asking you to do but you either don't to do it, are scared to do it, think someone else would be better at it, or that maybe you heard Him wrong??

My world was rocked by God. He continues to make me uncomfortable and push me to things that I never thought I was capable of. Trusting Him is hard when He has such HUGE plans for me and I doubt my ability. I LOVE this jouney of life. The ups and downs. The storms and the times of peace. God is mysterious and all-knowing. Just when I think I have Him all figured out, He surprises me again.

Don't limit God! Don't ask for answers unless you are ready for the real answers. Don't ask for it to made perfectly clear if you don't want to know the answer!!


Father...I don't want to move without you. Thank you for talking louder when I can't hear over all of the noise of life.

Too Busy

Wake up, shower, coffee, get dressed, start to read Bible, Elizabeth is up, get Elizabeth up and ready (takes longer than my routine), more coffee, take care of dogs, try to read more of the Bible, run out the door, check facebook on my phone at the stoplight (don't tell the husband), run Elizabeth into daycare, work is calling already, once I hit the office there is no stopping, put on my superman cape and try to save the world's homeless population but overwhelmed with the numbers, lunch time has passed so maybe just some more diet coke and I will try to get lunch sometime before going home, time to pick up Elizabeth, eat dinner, run, bath time, put Elizabeth down, take a shower, say hello to my husband if he isn't working, laundry, bed.....

Have you ever taken the time to write out what you do in a day? Your schedule, your routine...your priorities. Where was God in all of this? Some days my quiet time does consist more of simply "trying" to read the Bible but let's be honest, most of us desire more time with God but how many of us are making the effort to move Him up on our priority list?

We tend to make excuses, don't we? Well...in this season of my life, I just don't have the time. God will understand. Maybe when my child can sleep through the night. Maybe when the kids are a little older. Maybe when my husband's work schedule isn't so crazy. Maybe when work slows down some. Maybe when I am not so stressed over finances. Maybe Maybe Maybe Maybe. What if God did that to us? What if He told us He was too busy?

Ann Voscamp said it so perfectly in her blog called A Holy Experience (I highly recommend subscribing to her blog).

“True, whole prayer is nothing but love,” offered St. Augustine. Is the only reason we don’t really pray is because we really don’t love? If one’s not praying regularly, it’s only because something else is regularly loved more than God.

WOW!!! How true is this? I must love something else more than God if I am not praying and spending time with Him. Did that hurt when you read that? I hit me straight to the heart. Looking back at my schedule - what does it say about what I love??


When you look at your day, what does it show you really love????



Thank you Lord for always listening to my excuses but still welcoming me back with open arms. Thank you for not keeping track and holding against me the times that you have not been my top priority. Forgive me for loving other things more than you.

Reality Check

What a day today has been!! I woke up this morning to enjoy a few hours with my sweet family before spending the day at church for a Women's Conference. You know how you sign up for something that you know God is calling you to (and you usually hear Him tell you to sign up in your vulnerable part of the day..hehehe...He's so good!) but then you start coming up with excuses as to why you don't want to go - I won't know anyone but my mother-in-law who I invited. I spend every work day away from my child and now I am going to spend Saturday away from her too? I am already going to be at the church ALL DAY Sunday, so do I need to go today??

If you don't know what I am talking about then you must be a SAINT and I need to meet you!! Hehe! After I finally got out of the door and to my car, I realized very quickly that Satan was taking hold of me. I realized this just before I went to crank my car and nothing happened. WHAT? This is supposed to be the "good car". Matt's truck is supposed to be the one with issues, not mine! So my loving husband informed me that I must have done something to run my battery down, jumped my car, and off I went.

I attened the Women's Conference and I am soooo glad that I went (more on that in a later blog). After the conference, I went out to my car and you guessed it...it wouldn't crank. I immediately began calling family - husband, father, mother, father-in-law, and brother-in-law. I was lucky that my brother-in-law happened to be working at the car dealership right across the street. He came over, jumped my car and even helped me get a great deal on a battery and replaced it for me.

Through all of this drama, I began getting phone calls from current guests in my shelter and ones that had graduated the program. Keep in mind, my phone had only rung once all day and now it was going crazy! Really??? Don't they know I am in the middle of my own crisis! I can't solve your problems right now; I am having a hard enough time as it is solving my problem. Can't I just dwell in self pity for a little longer??

After solving their problems and mine, I was back on the road to see my sweet family. But since being home, I have not been able to shake a strange feeling inside of me. I was ignoring it for a while until I was having a semi-quiet time with God while doing laundry (you see for me, God talks LOUDLY during the time I am folding laundry. Weird...I know. I have a hard time being still and He speaks when I am doing the most mundane task I can think of).

He was reminding me of one of the phone conversations I was having while in the dealership services department. You see, one of my past clients was stranded in Atlanta and her car wouldn't start (sound familiar?). She didn't know of anyone to call, so she called me. She had no help close by. She had no family to call. She called the only person that had helped in the past.

I have EVERYTHING  I need. I had everything that I needed today. I had TONS of people to call that would help (or at least tons that I thought would help). I had family member that took care of everything. I had a place for my child to sleep tonight. I had a support system that loves me unconditionally. And my list does go on and on....

I have to say that it was a humbling experience tonight to be reminded how selfish I can be. Some peple will read this and just think this was coincidence. I don't believe in that. God knew what I needed to see and sometimes (let's be honest...most times) it takes BIG  things to make us listen. To make us stop and listen.

Even after a day spent at the church learning some amazing things about myself and my relationship with Christ, I walked out and in that parking lot I reverted back to my human ways. It only takes a second for Satan to grab hold! I am so thankful that I serve a God that is in the teaching business and that He never gives up on me even when I fail test after test.

Blessings

My sweet mentor reminded me yesterday just how blessed I am. This morning, I used my quiet time to write out all of the people that have been placed in my life that are absolute blessings to me. I was shocked at how long my list was! It was a great reminder that God is in control of everything...even the people who I come into contact with.

Have you thought about this? Have you thought about why people are in your life? Even the ones you really don't like? Could those people that you really don't like be blessings in your life and you are missing it?

I love the conversation that God has with Abraham (well...his name is Abram at this point of the story). In Genesis 12:1-3

The Lord had said to Abram, "Leave your country, your people and your father's household and go to the land I will show you.

"I will make you into a great nation
and I will bless you;
I will make your  name great,
and you will be a blessing.
I will bless those who bless you,
and whoever curses you I will curse;
and all peoples on earth
will be blessed through you."

 He is telling Abram to go and be a blessing because God is blessing him. Isn't He telling us the same thing? "Sarah, I have blessed you so much. I have even allowed you to see a glimpse into my many blessings. But...I didn't bless you so that you could keep it all to yourself. Rather, I want you to be a blessing to others." WOW!!!!

I didn't do anything to deserve the many blessings in my life. Which means that I don't deserve to keep them all to myself.

The other part of this scripture hits me hard. What is God telling me that I need to leave so that I can fully follow Him? So that I can be blessed in order to be a blessing? Is it my pride, my anger, my judgmental self (and the list does go on and on). What is it for you? What is stopping you from following God all the way???

If everyone wrote out all of their blessings (even when...especially when...they are going through the storms of this life) then made it a daily goal not only to thank God for those blessings but in return be a blessing to others...think of how different our world would be. One of my other sweet mentors told me that you can't change THE world but you can change YOUR world. It starts with you!!

Of course I couldn't write this blog without hearing the sweet voice of Laura Story singing:

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
As long that we have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise



I encourage you to look for all the blessing in your life. I love that this song reminds us that sometimes the blessings we have in our life are often masked because they aren't what we asked for. But don't we worship a God who knows EXACTLY what we need and still blesses us with more than we deserve??



Traditions

I have let my selfishness/self pity get the best of me this weekend. Friday night, I went to the Good Friday service at the new church we are attending. To be honest, I did not give it a fair shot. I walked in already knowing it wouldn't meet my expectations. Why do I keep doing this? Why does it matter that there is no choir or a sanctuary or hymns?

Then Easter came and I honestly went in with a better idea. I was orginally going to go to my old and new church so that I could get the best of both worlds. Then I thought that it was just silly and that I couldn't just retreat to what was comfortable for me. Also, it just wouldn't be the same without Matt being beside me. We went to the new church and I just cried. But...what was I crying about? Because they didn't sing Christ the Lord is Risen Today? Because I wasn't in a sactuary? Because it wasn't what I wanted for that morning? Because it wasn't what I have had for the past 26 years....

So of course I have been in my recliner with my Bible and having some one on one time. Well...it was more like a literal "come to Jesus talk". I have let the traditions, the surroundings, the "things" get in the way of worship. Or this weekend, I let the the absence of these things get in the way of worhsip. I still think this will be something that I will struggle with mainly because this has been something that has been a part of me for so long.

As I sat and listened to Christ the Lord is Risen Today (on YouTube and yes I did sing along), I became sad again because I realized that Elizabeth won't grow up to know these songs. Then I get into a fight with myself about but why does it matter what songs she grows up? The contemporary songs say the same thing. But my fear is that those songs change all the time and there is something to be said about the old hymns. Solution for now: download my favorite hymns and have them playing in the car to daycare.

For those of you that know me know that I have to have a solution to everything (hence the solution to the hymns problem). Maybe that is what I am struggling with the most is that this whole decision to leave my comfort zone was not my decision. God is the only one with the solution. And even deeper, Matt is now the spiritual leader of the house. Which is great...but some days do I wish I still had that control? Was it easier when he wasn't? Would I want it to go back to the way it was....if it meant Matt not being the man of God he is now, then NO.

Just learning every day that even when it looks easy, it isn't. Just when I think I have it all under control, He reminds me I don't.

Just when I get comfortable, He makes me uncomfortable.

Like a Lion

What a glorious day!! To remember that Our Savior is Alive!!!


One of my favorite songs right now is sung by The David Crowder Band and it is called Like a Lion. This is all I have been thinking about this Lent. Here are the lyrics:

Let love explode and bring the dead to life
A love so bold
To see a revolution somehow.
Let love explode and bring the dead to life
A love so bold
To bring a revolution somehow

Now I'm lost in your freedom
This world I'll overcome.

My God is not dead
He's surely alive
He's living on the inside
Roaring like a lion

Let hope arise and make the darkness hide
My faith is dead
I need a resurrection somehow

Let Heaven roar and fire fall
come shake the ground
with the sound of revival

My God is not dead
He's surely alive
He's living on the inside
Roaring like a lion

http://animals.nationalgeographic.com/animals/mammals/african-lion/

Rejoice in the fact that our God is not dead, but He is Alive!!! Thank you Jesus for all you did for me before I was even born. Thank you for your sacrifice and your suffering. Most of all...thank you for loving me so much that you would not only die on the cross for me but rise from the dead. You are amazing!!

Living on the Other Side of Easter

(Here were some of my thoughts that I mentioned last Easter in Sunday School and I have been thinking hard on them during this Lent season)

In many contemporary Christian songs, I hear the phrase "there may be pain the night but the joy comes in the morning". It led me to think...why are we always living on the Saturday before Easter? Many times we get stuck in feeling sorry for ourselves, for the pain we are going through. We are heart broken, lost a friend, not believing the promises of Jesus.

Not believing what He told us was true. Doubt. Disbelief.

Why do we do this? We know what He said. Why are we still mourning? Many times I have wondered what I would have done if I was one of the disciples. I couldn't imagine how they must have been feeling on that Saturday. They had given up everything to follow Him. They had witnessed Him being arrested and taken from them. Then they watched as everyone mocked Him and as He suffered on the cross. Can you imagine? Someone you have spent years with. Not just an aquaintance, but a good friend. Then He tells you He's leaving but don't worry, I'm coming back again. WOW!!

Many times I hear people say that their faith is strong, but many times we do not know this until it is tested. The disciples were put through the ultimate test on that Friday and Saturday. I wish I could say that I would be clinging to the promise that He told me which was that He would return, but I do not think I would. Why? Because every day I suffer from the sin of self pity. Every day I forget His promises and instead think that I know the right answer. That there is no way He can be raised up from the dead - I watched Him die. Our human logical nature takes over.

I pray that tomorrow you will relive what it felt for the disciples when they found out that He Is Risen!! Cling to those promises that we know are true. I am hoping that I do not fall back into the Saturday before Easter. I know that I will because I am only human but I pray that I would have many more moments when I realize that He has always kept His promises and He always will!

We should be living our lives like it was Easter Morning every day!!!

Easter Eggs and Easter Bunny

This year I have been really bothered by the fact that we have taken this special day and turned it into craziness filled with an Easter Bunny and Easter Eggs. For some reason I am not as bothered about Christmas and Santa Claus as I am about the Easter Bunny. Any moms out there thinking about contacting the Easter Bunny and having him come Saturday night instead of on Sunday? When I was thinking about this, I found this blog that does a great job making Easter baskets Christ-Centered. It will be good for when Elizabeth is older. Check it out!!

http://detailorienteddiva.blogspot.com/search/label/Christian%20Easter%20Basket

I am looking forward to this weekend with spending time with my sweet little family. We are having an Easter Egg Hunt on Saturday and I hoping to maybe make some homemade rice krispies eggs (this is a BIG deal for me because I don't bake at all!!). Looking forward to explaining to Elizabeth later what this sweet weekend represents.

I also found a great idea to do with jelly beans. I found this jelly bean prayer on this blog:

http://michellelunt.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2011-04-14T07%3A03%3A00-07%3A00&max-results=7

But here is the prayer:

Red is for the blood He gave
Green is for the grass He made
Yellow is for the sun so bright
Orange is for the edge of night
Black is for the sins we made
White is for the grace He gave
Purple is for His hour of sorrow
Pink is for our new tomorrow

A bag full of jelly beans
colorful and sweet
Is a prayer, is a promise,
is a special treat.


I love it!! Looking for other special things to help me deal with the secular side of Easter. If you find anything let me know!!!

Maundy Thursday

Could you imagine being back in Jesus' time and eating and chillin' with Jesus??

Listening to Him preach.

Perform miracles.

See Him face to face.

I used to always tell myself that I would do things differently than the disciples. How foolish were they. Did they not know how good they had it to be able to have Jesus in the flesh before them?? Oh wait...who is the foolish one?? I have the entire instruction manual! I have all of the love letters He has written to me. Do I forget how good I have it? How good I have it to be able to worship in a church and not fear persecution. How good I have it to even be able to have heard the good news of Jesus Christ when so many have never heard His name much less His promises.

Tonight signifies when Jesus had His last supper with the disciples. I love reading this story again and again because they just didn't have a clue what was about to happen. I think we can all relate to this. You can feel God working in your life, almost like He is preparing you for something. Many time we think we know what He is preparing us for. Then...all of the sudden a huge storm comes our way! We act shocked and confused...but wasn't He preparing us??

Today I am reflecting on preparing. What is God preparing me for? What did God prepare Jesus for? Are you ready for when He fulfills the promises??
.

Clarity to Suffering??

It is painful to watch people you love suffer. I find this true not only in my personal life but in my work life as well. I have blogged on this topic before but I feel the need to come back to it. This world is a scary place and if we open our eyes, there is pain and suffering everywhere. Many times we like to put on our rose colored glasses and pretend we are all okay. There are days where I wish I could find where I misplaced my rose colored glasses.

After listening to the Sermon series we have been doing as well as the studying I have been doing in my quiet time, I have found comfort in suffering. Now that probably sounds like an oxymoron. Let me explain. Throughout this Lent Season, I have been drawn to look into the Suffering of Jesus. It has been so amazing how the scriptures I read, the sermons, even the 2 books I am currently reading all helped shed light on Jesus' suffering.

I first asked myself - "Why do we suffer?". I came up with many reasons but  Hebrews 5:8 made it clear when talking about Jesus said, "He learned obedience through what He suffered". WOW!! We also learn obedience through what we suffer. While doing this study in our small group called "Chazown", we looked at our past experiences and a lot of them were painful. After that, we looked at what we learned from those chapters in our lives. God has taught me some AMAZING things through my painful experiences in life. AND...I can see how I have become more obedient to Him through these times. Priscilla Shirer put it this away about the verse in Hebrews:

"...prepared for His ultimate purpose because He'd 'learned obedience' the hard way. Walking against the grain. Stacking up His bold profession against the bitter perils of life. Staying completely surrendered, totally committed to the Father's plan. Faithful." 

The part I put in bold hit me. Even through all of Jesus' sufferings, He stayed completely surrendered and totally committed to the Father's plan.

Pain and suffering look different to each person. Some of us are going through huge storms, maybe even hurricanes. Many of think that because we aren't dealing with death or disease, then our problems are not that big. Don't compare your pain to someone else's. Whatever the pain is, your goal should be the same - to stay completely surrendered and totally committed to the Father's plan. How do we do this? Well...you first have find out His plan for your life? What is God's purpose for your life? Because I am not in a storm right now, that has become my main focus. For me, it seems like it would help out so much when I endure those painful times if I know what His plan is for me. I may not know why I am going through that hard time, but I will have a glimpse into His plan. I encourage you to do the same.

I want to close this with a passage from Ann Voskamp's book One Thousand Gifts:

"Pain is everywhere, and wherever the pain there can be everywhere grace, and yes, Jesus, I am struggling and I get turned around but I think I know, at least in part, what I want. If I had never run, if I had never fallen, and here, I am not sure I would have known it with blazing clarity. I many not know all that it means, but this is what I want" (pg. 108).

Courageous Part 3

The next resolution is "I will love as a woman answerable to God and faithfully committed to His Word".

When I first read this, I immediately thought that I was already doing this and this should be easy. Man was I wrong!! This really made me focus on am I doing things for God or for someone else? Priscilla Shirer writes this book and she really makes you think. Here is one paragraph that I have reread several times:

"Hopefully you're a person of faith. But heaven is calling you to be a person of faithfulness as well. When you're at your job. When you're hanging out with friends. When you're struggling financially. When you're faced with a tough decision. When you're doing your daily life and wish you were doing somebody else's. By resolving to be faithfully His, you are deciding to allow everything you believe about God and His Word to consistently guide your feet, your hands, your mind, your heart - despite anything and everything that may poitn to the contrary" (pg. 77).

 I can say that I am faithfully His when things are going well. Even then, I still have my moments. The biggest part of this is being rooted in His word. Many times people say that they don't read the Bible because they don't understand it (I know this because I still use that excuse every once and a while). With all the new translations out there, I promise there is a version you can understand. The Message version is a great place to start. Priscilla says that His Word is "not just to read. It's to absorb. To bathe in. To live by". Wow!!! I want that! Doesn't that sound amazing??

It reminds me of a picture that was going around Facebook sometime last year. I did some searching and found it. It describes how God's Word is supposed to be. It embraces us. In those hard times, His word is there holding us up. In the good times, His word is hugging us and rejoicing with us.



Why be a loner??

For those of you that know me, know that I am a pretty independent person. I thrive off being able to do things by myself (no wonder I have an 18 month old who thinks the same thing). I look at certain friends of mine who are so determined to do things on their own that if you even mention that a man could do it, they go into a tail spin and do the job even harder and better than a man!!



Why do we do this? And I am not just talking about women here. For women, we tend to act all independent but really we crave friendships and most of us hate being alone for long periods of time. For men, they claim that friendships and things do not mean that much to them but deep inside all of us have the desire to be needed and loved not just by our family, but by others.



What has been on my mind for several weeks now is that I do not understand why we as humans have so many surface relationships with people and so little intentional, deep relationships? I think we are so worried that people are going to realize that we do not have it all together. Guess what....NOBODY has it all together!! I also think we have tricked ourselves into believing that what we are going through is something that nobody else has ever been through or that it is just so bad that we don't want to burden anybody else with it. Guess what...there is SOMEBODY out there who has gone through the same thing.



This Sunday, I listened to a very compelling Sermon on being a friend to someone who is going through a storm in their own lives. I encourage you to listen to the story and you can find it here: http://www.thequestonline.com/messages/suffer-well-when-a-friend-is-suffering/



It really made me think a great deal this week. You know...God did more that create a woman for Adam. He created a helper, an encourager, a companion, and someone to weather the storms of life with. God even saw that it was not good for Adam to go through life alone. So again...why do I think I can do everything on my own? I think it is crazy when I see friends suffering and they won't reach out for help. But I have learned that when you are in the midst of the storm, you don't know what to do. That is when you need those close friends, those brothers and sisters in Christ, to come to you, get in that small boat that is being tossed and thrown in the swirling ocean, and be there with you.

I found this great picture online today and it hit me hard. You OBEY the law of Christ when you offer each other a helping hand. Wow!! So that means that I am disobeying the law of Christ when I don't offer a helping hand, when I choose to only carry my burdens and refuse to pick up someone else's.

So I know that I have a lot to work on!! For me, it is not only being that friend to someone else but it is also allowing myself to have those friends in my life and letting them carry some of my burdens with me.

God didn't intend for us to be alone so don't be a loner!! Focus on the relationships in your life. Are you only carrying your burdens? Are you burdens weighing you down so much that you can't even see the burdens of those you say you love and care for? Do you have those people in your life that are willing to carry your burdens but you are refusing to let them see the vulnerable you? Are you working on creating intentional relationship with other Christians?? Do you have a community of suppor that will help you not only in the good times but also in those storms??

You do not have to go through everything alone!!

Weekend Fun

This weekend was a great weekend with my sweet little family. On Saturday, Elizabeth and I went with my mother to Buy Buy Baby to pick up some new books. She actually picked out her books which was the cutest thing yet. Lately she has been into ladybugs. Every time we read a book, she manages to find the tiniest lady bug possible. So..of course I helped her find the 10 Ladybugs bug. She LOVED it. Then she found a book about Trains (which she knows says choo choo and does the hand motions). She was SO EXCITED to have those 2 books. It kept her somewhat entertained throughout the rest of the shopping trip. We kept her busy by letting her push the cart through the store.

Then we went to Sam's to get her some dresses (FYI they have Carter's dresses for $5). She did not want to be held so she RAN aisle by aisle. We took my mom home and Elizabeth cried and cried. All of the sudden she stopped and I looked back and she was passed out!! I woke her up long enough to eat lunch and she was out again for a real nap.

Matt and I went next door so I get my hair cut and catch up with the neighbors. Not only did I get my hair done, but my nails and waxing too! It was a glorious day for me :) When Elizabeth woke up it was time for her first hair cut!!!! She did sooooo good (the Teddy Grahams also helped). She looks so grown now with her new hairdo!!! Here are pictures from the special milestone along with ones of her reading her new book:

Courageous Part 2

The next resolution is that of excepting me for me. The resolution actually states, "I will accept and celebrate my uniqueness, and will esteem and encourage the distinctions I admire in other".

The uniqueness in me defines not only my strengths but my weaknesses (and we all know I have plenty of those!!). But then this book encouraged me to memorize the following verses and they were pretty powerful:

Declaration of my importance to God
Ephesians 2:10
"For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do"

Confirmation of my selection by God
Jeremiah 1:5
"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations"

First of all...how amazing it is to read that?? Not only is it incredible that God created each and every one of us, but He made us to do good works. He goes even further to say, "Don't get freaked out that you have all of these great things to do because I already prepared for all of those things". AND I appointed you as a prophet to the nations. WHAT?? Me, a prophet?? No thanks!! But wait...He isn't talking about JUST me. He is talking about all of us. He didn't give us all of these amazing things for us to keep them all to ourselves. We are to share His story and our story with everyone.

Be confident in who you are, strengths and weaknesses. God made you who you are for a reason. I love doing this book along with a study we are doing in our new community group. We are doing a study by the book Chazown. It is all about finding God's vision for your life and living your life with that vision in mind. It starts off by saying the same thing. Everything about my life, including the past experiences that I don't particularly like or would like to forget, are actually good. Romans 8:28 states "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose". Even through suffering and all the storms of life, it is all for a reason. A reason that we may not be able to see when the rain is pouring down (maybe it's because we don't have the windshield wipers on OR we choose to not turn them on).

I am turning my windshield wipers on!!! Looking for the rainbow before the storm is over!! Accepting my strengths and my weaknesses because the most amazing creator made me that way.

Courageous

Yes...this is about the movie!!! I have seen Courageous going on 6 times now and it still so powerful to me. I am so thankful for the people that created this film. It is not only encouraging for fathers, but for mothers as well. I have been thinking so much about how I should spend time with Elizabeth and the things that I as her mother have to teach her.

My parents gave Matt and I the package deal of Courageous which consisted of the movie, another movie that to be honest we haven't even looked at yet, Resolution for Men, and Resolution for Women books. I began reading my book and holy cow is it SERIOUS!!! It has a list of resolutions and then it walks you through being able to sign them off one by one. It took me over a month to sign the first one!

But I realized something....why do we always settle for good enough? I am "Ok" as a mother, wife, social worker, etc. Why not strive to be great at all of those things? Why not look for God's purpose in everything??

So to hold myself accountable I am letting you know the first 2 resolutions I have signed:

I do solemnly resolve to embrace my current season in life and will maximize my time in it. I will resist the urge to hurry through or circumvent any portion of my journey but will live with a spirit of contentment. (This one was the hardest one so far to sign. The words that hit me the hardest were EMBRACE and MAXIMIZE!)

I will champion God's model for womanhood in the fae of a postfeminist culture. I will teach it to my daughters and encourage its support by my sons. (Thought this was going to be any easy one but if you know me personally then you know that it was hard for me to take a step back. It doesn't mean I am less of a woman but I had to learn what God expects of me as a woman)


So...those are the first 2!! Did I mention it wasn't going to be easy? But is completely changing your life easy? Will report again when I make it to the next resolutions!!

After the Storm

Trusting God is easier said than done. Isn't it easier to say we completely trust Him when things are going our way? In the last month, things have changed dramatically in our home. Some are good and others are still up for interpretation!

I mentioned in my previous post about God now has me in place that I am uncomfortable. When I look back at journal entries and things I can see that in these times that I am uncomfortable I tend to cling to Him (which is probably the reason why I keep finding myself in these situations - why don't I cling ALL the time??) Why is it I only cling to Him during the storms??

Church and I now have a love/hate relationship. I am overjoyed with the changes that are occurring with my sweet family but I am grieving the loss of 26 years in another church. How do you move past this? Why do I still feel this way? Why can't I just see all the of the good and move on? I asked God for conformation that this was where my family was supposed to be and He has given me MORE THAN PLENTY of them. Why am I being so selfish? I am being fed spiritually move than I have ever been before but why do I feel so uneasy? Why do I have a guard up when I enter this new church? Why do I think they can't provide me what I had at the last church? I feel like I am swirling around!!

We had a pretty bad storm here yesterday. I was out to lunch with my favorite lunch date, Ashley (my staff lovingly calls it Margarita lunch because it is just as therapeutic as drinking margaritas). As we were sitting there, this huge storm came. There was large amounts of rain, then hail, and the power went out. It was pretty scary. We couldn't see out the window because of all of the water. I have a similar feeling right now. That I can't see where I am going and it is scary!

But isn't that what it is all about? Living by FAITH and not by SIGHT?? Dying to my old SELFISH self and being reborn NEW?

When storms come in our lives, Satan likes to help us dwell on the negative to the point that we can't even see all the good that is coming from it. Satan like to tell us that it is all about me and nothing else matters. Sweet Jesus, remind me daily that you are weathering the storm with me and all good things come to those who trust in you. Forgive me for being selfish and thank you for all that you have been doing in my family. Don't let me miss the rainbow after the storm!!!

Quiet Time

I am blessed to have some amazing women in my life who have shared some great words of wisdom. On my ride into work this morning, I realized that I am being selfish by not sharing with everyone their wonderful advice!! Side note - this entry might have random thoughts in it that may not flow!

One thing I have been struggling with is this concept of "Quiet Time" with God. I thought I figured it out in November of last year becuase the Bible was really speaking to me in a way that I never understood before. I was waking up at 5:30am to spend "Quiet Time" with God. Over time, I was reading scripture that didn't make sense or then I got too busy or Elizabeth woke up earlier that she normally did, excuses, excuses, excuses. Then I gave up for a while because there is never Quiet in my house anymore.

At the Women's Retreat a few weekends ago, Kris Key reminded me that "Quiet Time" doesn't have to be quiet. I can read out loud scriptures and devotions while Elizabeth is playing. Even better, what a great way to start showing her what reading the Bible and devotions is all about. A huge weight was lifted (along with my excuses). She also recommend a great devotion called "This Day with the Master". It is on my Xoom and I read it wherever I am....at work, in the car waiting for one of my clients, while Elizabeth is eating/throwing her breakfast, etc.

Another special lady in my life challenged me back in November to start my day with giving God thanks. I thought she was CRAZY. I remembered this little piece of advice this morning and I began thanking God for the trees that drape over Walton Way and for many other things. It just fills your heart with joy immediately! What a great way to start the day and your time with God!!

Another special lady encouraged me to start journaling. I am still not very good with this but I am getting better. Writing down my thoughts, feelings, concerns, prayers, things I feel God is telling me, etc. I have also started taking notes during the sermon. That has been the most amazing thing because I don't know about you, but I forget things very quickly! This way you can always go back and be reminded what God was telling you that day at that church through that Pastor. For me, this blog and my journal are ways for me to remember the amazing people that God has placed in my life and how He is ALWAYS working.

So why do we come up with all these excuses not to spend time with God? What is stopping you from spending some time alone with Him? Rejoice in knowing that everything around you does not have to be quiet in order for you to be with Him!!!

Church Home

I have had this written for a while but after yesterday's sermon, I think it is time to post it!! So...here goes nothing:

Many of you know that I have been raised at a particular church for my entire life. It has been amazing. I was confirmed there, married there, and my sweet daughter was baptized there. I have so many special memories as a child growing up at this church. When I got married and had Elizabeth, I just assumed that this would be my church forever and that this would be my family's church.

I have recently realized how selfish I have been. I have forced this church onto my husband and my family. It had to be so difficult and I am now slowly seeing this. I am not saying the church did anything wrong. But how hard was it for Matt to come into a place that knew everything about me. Knew things that he didn't even know. And then how silly for me to think that he would instantly feel what I felt with my 26 years of being there.

On January 8th, I was sitting in an evening worship service and the pastor was talking about the blind man who with Jesus' help, was able to see again. The pastor asked us to look at what God was trying to help us see. I remember looking up and seeing the walls of this church and realizing that I no longer recognized this church. It was no longer my church. This was quite possibly the hardest thing God has ever shown me. I was heartbroken, mad, scared, and all the emotions in between. God couldn't be telling me this! I have grown up here and my child MUST grow up here! I know everyone here. My job requires me to work closely with many of these people. They have helped make me the woman I am. I cannot give up on the church now.

I remember leaving the church that night in tears. Matt asked me if I wanted to visit other churches and I told him no. Poor guy...he was probably so confused!! Here I am saying that I realized that God had another church in mind for us but I didn't want to find it!

That week I began praying where it was that we were supposed to go. Even though I wasn't ready for the answer (I really didn't want Him to respond at all), I felt the push to go to The Quest Church. I told Matt and he said would like to try it. We went on January 15th and things have not been the same since. I remember feeling sick to my stomach the entire way there because I felt like I was cheating on my church. The message I heard was perfect. It was about being at a crossroads and to pick the cross every time. I was uncomfortable but I received conformation that if I was too comfortable, then I wasn't listening to God.

I still cry every time I step foot into that church. Partly because I am still selfishly holding onto my dreams of my home church. Another part is because I am overjoyed to have my ENTIRE family at church with me. To have my husband worshipping beside me and my child being loved and nurtured in the nursery.

I still felt that I need more conformation from God. This past week, I went on a Women's Retreat. I received a phone call from Matt telling me about the worship service that morning. Speechless. Then he said these words - it was a place that he did not feel judged. That's it!! This is the place we are supposed to be!! This was home for Matt and therefore it is home for me. In this season of our lives, this is where we are supposed to be.

You see...for Matt, he needed to feel comfortable. For me... I needed to be uncomfortable. We both needed to feel this way to draw closer to Him.

We attended a community group this past Monday after Matt called around and found out when it was meeting and what they were discussing. I loved watching him be comfortable. For me...I was SO uncomfortable. Not because of anything that anyone did (actually, they were very inviting)...but because this was the first time I attended any church function and knew no one there. For once, I felt the way Matt had to have felt all those years. It was an eye-opening experience on so many levels.

God always knows what He is doing. Why do we always try and get in the way? I will be content in being uncomfortable because I know that I am following Him.

2011

First of all I can't believe that 2011 is gone. Where is time going? Why is it that the older I get the faster time goes? It has been a rough year but with plenty of happy and amazing times in between. In our home we struggled with being new parents, financial issues, growing apart, priorities being out of whack, and these are only a few things! It is easy to dwell on the bad. Even though we had some of the roughest times our marriage, we also hit the best part of our marriage. I firmly believe that God had us in His hand this entire year. We had to see how we shouldn't live our lives in order to bettere understand how we should live.

This year Elizabeth hit all the major milestones - crawling, walking, talking (which she does a lot of), eating regular foods, some sign language, waving bye, blowing kisses, and I could go on and on! What a joy she is! She has her moments...oh boy does she have her moments...but her hugging you or blowing kisses to you makes you forget very quickly!

As I look forward to 2012,I cannot help but think about past blogs and posts I have seen. My prayer for this new year is that I will not rush through it. I hope that I will enjoy every moment of it. I am also going to do a bit of organizing along the way (Pinterest has given me a lot of good ideas) - hopefully I will post pictures!!

More posts to come in the new year (starting with a recap of Christmas hopefully first!)