The weekend was quite possibly the longest weekend of my entire life. Matt and I tried to pass the time by creating documents for the Belize trip, playing cards, and watching movies. On Saturday, he was able to spend the day with Elizabeth and also spent the night at the house. This was so important to us because she had been with Matt's parents for this entire time. What broke my heart was when she told Matt and I that she wasn't going to stay at our house until "mommy was home". Luckily, she was easily convinced with some bribing to go :)
I spent Saturday watching Lifetime and just enjoying being alone for a little bit. Funny thing was that it was apparently the weekend to show every crazy pregnant movie on Lifetime. I was at least able to laugh about the irony of it all.
Since it was just me in the room, I was able to talk more with my nurses. I had one nurse who was just absolutely incredible. She must have known on that Saturday that I just needed someone to talk with (that was not family or friends). She stayed in my room for almost an hour as we just talked about everything from kids to church. She made me feel so at ease about what was going to happen on Monday and then she assured me she would see me on Wednesday for when I was going to be going home WITH my baby. Her positive thinking and attitude was exactly what I needed.
So many times it is so easy to get sucked into the negative thinking and worry. The closer the days were getting to Will's BIRTHday, the more I was being sucked in. So thankful for her spirit and words on that day to start changing my thoughts.
_________________________________________________________________________________
Sunday
Normally I look forward to Sundays. Actually, they are my favorite day of the week. I get to spend the mornings with my larger family at church and I am able to be filled back up with the Spirit in order to start my week again. This Sunday I was longing to be there...to sing the songs...to hear His promises, to hear the message, to hug people, to talk to people, to be OUT OF THIS HOSPITAL. I wanted my normal life back again.
All I remember about Sunday was that it felt like it lasted for an eternity. I was looking at the clock so much (actually...the clock broke at one time which sent me into panic - no worries, the nurse fixed it immediately!).
When we let worry consume us, time stands still. We are not able to enjoy the time we are given. Oh the many lessons God taught me during this....
Tomorrow was the day I was dreading and excited about!
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Miracle Birth Story - Part 5
Wednesday
Thank GOD for Wednesday!! Quest Staff was celebrating our Student Minister's 30th Birthday and they surprised him by having a birthday party for him a Chucky Cheese. One of my best friend's is also on staff and she kept me updated with play by play texts and pictures. I cannot remember laughing that hard in a long time! My heart was filled with joy.
God knew I needed a break in the midst of this storm. He gave it me in the form of text messaging and pictures but He reminded me that so many good things can happen even while we are in those storms.
Later that night, I received a text and I will forever save. It came from our children's minister and also just dear friend and mentor. She simply sent this: "God will turn our temporary pain into eternal gain. And that's the rewards we are after"
I also had no idea how much I would cling to this quote later.....
Thursday
God must have known I needed Wednesday in order to deal with Thursday. I woke up in a great deal of pain and my pain level never went down. This was extremely discouraging because I was still praying that I would wake up one day in no pain and be able to go home. This was the complete opposite of my prayers.
In the midst of the pain, goodness came. It came in the form of a sweet nurse that came in and let me know that I could come off all the monitors and my IV could come out. YAY!! I was finally free (well..sorta...but I would take what I could get!!). I cannot even begin to tell you how this helped me mentally. There was something glorious about not being hooked up to anything! I think it also gave me a false sense of security that everything was really not as bad as the doctors were thinking. I later learned that my doctor was very much against taking me off everything but the high risk doctor assured her it would be okay.
By this time, the amount of visitors had started decreasing so it left more time for Matt and I to work on some things for the Belize Youth Camp he would be leading in several weeks. It was great to get my mind off things. The problem was that we were able to do everything in a short amount of time so it left more down time for me to start surfing the internet. Self-diagnosing is a bad thing. Searching the internet for other people that have had similar situations - BAD IDEA. Searching about preemie babies - ANOTHER BAD IDEA.
My brain would not shut off. I could not think of many positive things. Honestly, I missed out on seeing so many blessings from this point forward because I was so preoccupied with all of the "what ifs". I started doubting the plan. I doubted my doctor's abilities. I doubted if I could wait 4 more days. I doubted if Will would survive. I seriously doubted that God would take care of Will and me.
That is a scary place to be in when the God that you have trusted and loved for the majority of your life becomes the person you doubt the most. His promises slowly became not for me. I knew His words in my head but they were slowly fading from my heart.....
Thank GOD for Wednesday!! Quest Staff was celebrating our Student Minister's 30th Birthday and they surprised him by having a birthday party for him a Chucky Cheese. One of my best friend's is also on staff and she kept me updated with play by play texts and pictures. I cannot remember laughing that hard in a long time! My heart was filled with joy.
God knew I needed a break in the midst of this storm. He gave it me in the form of text messaging and pictures but He reminded me that so many good things can happen even while we are in those storms.
Later that night, I received a text and I will forever save. It came from our children's minister and also just dear friend and mentor. She simply sent this: "God will turn our temporary pain into eternal gain. And that's the rewards we are after"
I also had no idea how much I would cling to this quote later.....
Thursday
God must have known I needed Wednesday in order to deal with Thursday. I woke up in a great deal of pain and my pain level never went down. This was extremely discouraging because I was still praying that I would wake up one day in no pain and be able to go home. This was the complete opposite of my prayers.
In the midst of the pain, goodness came. It came in the form of a sweet nurse that came in and let me know that I could come off all the monitors and my IV could come out. YAY!! I was finally free (well..sorta...but I would take what I could get!!). I cannot even begin to tell you how this helped me mentally. There was something glorious about not being hooked up to anything! I think it also gave me a false sense of security that everything was really not as bad as the doctors were thinking. I later learned that my doctor was very much against taking me off everything but the high risk doctor assured her it would be okay.
By this time, the amount of visitors had started decreasing so it left more time for Matt and I to work on some things for the Belize Youth Camp he would be leading in several weeks. It was great to get my mind off things. The problem was that we were able to do everything in a short amount of time so it left more down time for me to start surfing the internet. Self-diagnosing is a bad thing. Searching the internet for other people that have had similar situations - BAD IDEA. Searching about preemie babies - ANOTHER BAD IDEA.
My brain would not shut off. I could not think of many positive things. Honestly, I missed out on seeing so many blessings from this point forward because I was so preoccupied with all of the "what ifs". I started doubting the plan. I doubted my doctor's abilities. I doubted if I could wait 4 more days. I doubted if Will would survive. I seriously doubted that God would take care of Will and me.
That is a scary place to be in when the God that you have trusted and loved for the majority of your life becomes the person you doubt the most. His promises slowly became not for me. I knew His words in my head but they were slowly fading from my heart.....
Saturday, July 19, 2014
Miracle Birth Story - Part 4
You would think that we would have gotten the results back exactly 24 hours later, right?? Me too! Apparently, that is not how things go. We waited most of the day in anticipation and worry. No high risk doctor to be seen. Finally my doctor came by and said that the results were "marginal". What does that mean?? Well...it means that his lungs aren't all the way mature but they are really close. So what do we do with this? Answer: we wait for the high risk doctor to come by. COME ON!!
During this time we asked everyone what this meant - everyone from my doctor, to my dad, to the neonatologists that were friends of ours that were coming by to check in on me. All said the exact same thing as above. I was beyond frustrated.
Our Pastor, John Kenney, came by to visit me on this day. His first words were "Sarah MacDonald, God has a sense of humor with you!". We all laughed but really...he was on to something. This recurring theme that I could only really see now looking back was that God was slowly breaking me. My drive for perfection and planning everything is good when used for certain things but not when I feel that I am in control of everything and God is in the passenger seat. I had placed Him in the passenger seat and was trying very hard to keep him there......
I went to bed that Monday night with no answers....only more confusion and doubting God.
On Tuesday morning, Matt left for his doctor's appointment. He has been having back pains and finally got in to see a doctor (of course it would be this week!!). After his appointment, he went home to get Will's room ready and pretty much complete my to-do list for me. OH - did I mention that our vacuum cleaner died on us the week before all of this?? So my house was a WRECK and I couldn't do anything about it. Thankfully, the vacuum was fixed and Matt did clean our house for me (one thing off the to-do list).
My mom came and stayed with me while Matt was gone. As fate would have it, my doctor stopped by while Matt was gone to give us an update. She said she had spoken to the high risk doctor on the phone and they both agreed to wait a week from the amniocentesis and then do a c-section. She had already booked the OR for Monday June 23 at 12:30pm.
I immediately called Matt and told him I needed him to come back because I had to process through all of this with him. He sounded relieved on the phone but I was not having those say emotions.
FINALLY an answer to prayer - that someone would just make a decision for me. You would think I would be completely relieved but I was not. This was then one of the first times that I completely lost it emotionally. I started crying and could not stop. All I could think about was if this was the best decision for our baby. What if he didn't survive? What is he did survive but because he came so early, he had defects that would be with him his entire life? Was I being selfish taking the "easy" way out to finally be out of pain? Am I already a horrible mother for doing this?
When Matt go there he did not even know how to handle me at this point. He was so sweet and comforting. Truly my rock through all of this. He simply held me and told me we would all be okay. I remember asking him what if Will was not alright and he told me that no matter what happened, we would get through this. Such power words to hear. Words I needed to hear. But God was telling me this as well but I just was not listening. He was telling me that His plan was at work and I needed to trust Him. Instead, I believed Satan's lies which were that my plan was better and God's plan was only putting my family in danger.
There was so much noise that I couldn't hear God's sweet voice until later.....
During this time we asked everyone what this meant - everyone from my doctor, to my dad, to the neonatologists that were friends of ours that were coming by to check in on me. All said the exact same thing as above. I was beyond frustrated.
Our Pastor, John Kenney, came by to visit me on this day. His first words were "Sarah MacDonald, God has a sense of humor with you!". We all laughed but really...he was on to something. This recurring theme that I could only really see now looking back was that God was slowly breaking me. My drive for perfection and planning everything is good when used for certain things but not when I feel that I am in control of everything and God is in the passenger seat. I had placed Him in the passenger seat and was trying very hard to keep him there......
I went to bed that Monday night with no answers....only more confusion and doubting God.
On Tuesday morning, Matt left for his doctor's appointment. He has been having back pains and finally got in to see a doctor (of course it would be this week!!). After his appointment, he went home to get Will's room ready and pretty much complete my to-do list for me. OH - did I mention that our vacuum cleaner died on us the week before all of this?? So my house was a WRECK and I couldn't do anything about it. Thankfully, the vacuum was fixed and Matt did clean our house for me (one thing off the to-do list).
My mom came and stayed with me while Matt was gone. As fate would have it, my doctor stopped by while Matt was gone to give us an update. She said she had spoken to the high risk doctor on the phone and they both agreed to wait a week from the amniocentesis and then do a c-section. She had already booked the OR for Monday June 23 at 12:30pm.
I immediately called Matt and told him I needed him to come back because I had to process through all of this with him. He sounded relieved on the phone but I was not having those say emotions.
FINALLY an answer to prayer - that someone would just make a decision for me. You would think I would be completely relieved but I was not. This was then one of the first times that I completely lost it emotionally. I started crying and could not stop. All I could think about was if this was the best decision for our baby. What if he didn't survive? What is he did survive but because he came so early, he had defects that would be with him his entire life? Was I being selfish taking the "easy" way out to finally be out of pain? Am I already a horrible mother for doing this?
When Matt go there he did not even know how to handle me at this point. He was so sweet and comforting. Truly my rock through all of this. He simply held me and told me we would all be okay. I remember asking him what if Will was not alright and he told me that no matter what happened, we would get through this. Such power words to hear. Words I needed to hear. But God was telling me this as well but I just was not listening. He was telling me that His plan was at work and I needed to trust Him. Instead, I believed Satan's lies which were that my plan was better and God's plan was only putting my family in danger.
There was so much noise that I couldn't hear God's sweet voice until later.....
Thursday, July 17, 2014
Miracle Birth Story - Part 3
Sunday was by far the worse day emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I was not able to sleep for very long probably because of the anxiety of getting an amniocentesis. They came in that morning to do the test which was NOT FUN! I am not afraid of needles and I consider myself to have a high tolerance of pain, but oh my....nothing prepared me for it (side bar - I have had other friends have this and they said it was not bad at all so do not be alarmed about my experience if you need to have this procedure done). The issue was that because Will was breach and there wasn't a whole lot of room left inside so the "pocket" they were going for was a very small one. Will decided immediately that he did not like it and started moving and pushing against the needle which cause all kinds of pain. This pain in addition to the other pain I was feeling was enough to set me over the edge.
She then gave me 3 choices that we would decide on after the results were given:
1. If I was in so much pain now, we could go ahead and do a c-section but if his lungs were not completely developed but it would just mean him spending some time in the NICU.
2. Wait a week and do a c-section and hope his lungs have developed.
3. Try and wait this out - "Only you know the pain you are in".
Really?? You are given me choices?? PLEASE SOMEONE JUST MAKE THE DECISION FOR ME!!
The worst part is that after it is all done, they tell you they will let you know the results in 24 hours. That is A WHOLE DAY LATER! Some of you who know me also know that I am not a very patient person. This whole waiting game was getting old and it had only been going on for a few days.
They then gave me another steroid shot and told me to rest. YEAH RIGHT! There is only so much rest one can do. I will say that my body was able to physically rest in the bed (well as good as you can when you are in pain 24-7). My brain would not shut off. I tried to busy myself with doing work and also talking with visitors.
Unfortunately, I was not a good person to be visiting on this day. I was incredible amounts of pain (pain killers did nothing but make me loopy and tired) and my brain was focused on if my baby was going to be okay if they took him early, what if his lungs weren't developed - would I be here for weeks, what if all this is stressing him out, why is everyone so worried about me? Looking back on it, I never fully understood the seriousness of the conditions they were discussing (more on that on a later blog).
All I could think of was everything still left on my to-do list.....
She then gave me 3 choices that we would decide on after the results were given:
1. If I was in so much pain now, we could go ahead and do a c-section but if his lungs were not completely developed but it would just mean him spending some time in the NICU.
2. Wait a week and do a c-section and hope his lungs have developed.
3. Try and wait this out - "Only you know the pain you are in".
Really?? You are given me choices?? PLEASE SOMEONE JUST MAKE THE DECISION FOR ME!!
The worst part is that after it is all done, they tell you they will let you know the results in 24 hours. That is A WHOLE DAY LATER! Some of you who know me also know that I am not a very patient person. This whole waiting game was getting old and it had only been going on for a few days.
They then gave me another steroid shot and told me to rest. YEAH RIGHT! There is only so much rest one can do. I will say that my body was able to physically rest in the bed (well as good as you can when you are in pain 24-7). My brain would not shut off. I tried to busy myself with doing work and also talking with visitors.
Unfortunately, I was not a good person to be visiting on this day. I was incredible amounts of pain (pain killers did nothing but make me loopy and tired) and my brain was focused on if my baby was going to be okay if they took him early, what if his lungs weren't developed - would I be here for weeks, what if all this is stressing him out, why is everyone so worried about me? Looking back on it, I never fully understood the seriousness of the conditions they were discussing (more on that on a later blog).
All I could think of was everything still left on my to-do list.....
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
Miracle Birth Story Part 2
Friday
Within several hours of being in the hospital, they did an ultrasound of my kidneys and concluded that there were no kidney stones. This made the doctors rule out the "better" diagnosis. The high risk doctor came to visit me and they did an ultrasound to see if there were any adhesions from my previous c-section. They found some things that looked suspicious but could never get clarification on if that was the issue or not.
Things had finally calmed down some and my parents had left for the evening and Matt and I were trying to settle down to sleep. At that time, my nurse came into the room and asked me if I knew that I was having contractions every 2 minutes. I told her that I just felt constant pain but no contractions. I was no longer allowed to have food or drink and she went to call my doctors. Her words were "you might be having this baby tonight". We called my parents back up the hospital and the anxiety levels increased again. Have this baby? Tonight? This was NOT the game plan. He was to be born on July 23 during a 12:30pm c-section. He would share the same birthday as my late grandfather who he was named after. This was all planned out!! THIS WAS NOT THE PLAN! I still had bottles and things to sterilize at the house (yes - that was still all I could think about - things that I thought I could control).
My nurse came back in and said the high risk doctor said that as long as I could not feel the contractions then we were okay. Again, all I could think about was that I had all these things left to do that I had not done. Matt told me that I mentioned about sterilizing items about 10 times. I was trying to gain control over something and I realized that had control over nothing. My nurse found me something to eat, got me some pain medication, and a sleeping pill. Thank God for ambien because I do not how I would have slept at all during this entire ordeal.
Saturday morning I woke up to having contractions again but this time I could feel them. They were coming at 4 minutes apart. Doctors were called again and my food and drinks were taken away AGAIN. We then called my parents back up to the hospital because there was talk we would be having him in several hours. Contractions subsided and I was again able to eat and drink...except this time my appetite never really came back.
The high risk doctor came back in and explained that their main concern was uterine rupture. They talked about how rare it was but they couldn't explain my pain. The only thing that they could tell me was that I was not allowed to leave the hospital. There was then more talk about when we would do a c-section. I was given a steroid shot to help develop Will's lungs further and an amniocentesis was scheduled for the next day.
This is when I felt that I had completely lost control. I felt so scared and so mad at God. Him and I had so many conversations...well...I wouldn't really call them conversations. I did a whole lot of talking and yelling at God. Doesn't He understand how I like everything in order and nothing off schedule?? What was all this about? I just kept praying my pain would go away and we would be discharged....that never happened....
Within several hours of being in the hospital, they did an ultrasound of my kidneys and concluded that there were no kidney stones. This made the doctors rule out the "better" diagnosis. The high risk doctor came to visit me and they did an ultrasound to see if there were any adhesions from my previous c-section. They found some things that looked suspicious but could never get clarification on if that was the issue or not.
Things had finally calmed down some and my parents had left for the evening and Matt and I were trying to settle down to sleep. At that time, my nurse came into the room and asked me if I knew that I was having contractions every 2 minutes. I told her that I just felt constant pain but no contractions. I was no longer allowed to have food or drink and she went to call my doctors. Her words were "you might be having this baby tonight". We called my parents back up the hospital and the anxiety levels increased again. Have this baby? Tonight? This was NOT the game plan. He was to be born on July 23 during a 12:30pm c-section. He would share the same birthday as my late grandfather who he was named after. This was all planned out!! THIS WAS NOT THE PLAN! I still had bottles and things to sterilize at the house (yes - that was still all I could think about - things that I thought I could control).
My nurse came back in and said the high risk doctor said that as long as I could not feel the contractions then we were okay. Again, all I could think about was that I had all these things left to do that I had not done. Matt told me that I mentioned about sterilizing items about 10 times. I was trying to gain control over something and I realized that had control over nothing. My nurse found me something to eat, got me some pain medication, and a sleeping pill. Thank God for ambien because I do not how I would have slept at all during this entire ordeal.
Saturday morning I woke up to having contractions again but this time I could feel them. They were coming at 4 minutes apart. Doctors were called again and my food and drinks were taken away AGAIN. We then called my parents back up to the hospital because there was talk we would be having him in several hours. Contractions subsided and I was again able to eat and drink...except this time my appetite never really came back.
The high risk doctor came back in and explained that their main concern was uterine rupture. They talked about how rare it was but they couldn't explain my pain. The only thing that they could tell me was that I was not allowed to leave the hospital. There was then more talk about when we would do a c-section. I was given a steroid shot to help develop Will's lungs further and an amniocentesis was scheduled for the next day.
This is when I felt that I had completely lost control. I felt so scared and so mad at God. Him and I had so many conversations...well...I wouldn't really call them conversations. I did a whole lot of talking and yelling at God. Doesn't He understand how I like everything in order and nothing off schedule?? What was all this about? I just kept praying my pain would go away and we would be discharged....that never happened....
Monday, July 14, 2014
Miracle Birth Story Part 1
The last few weeks have been a complete whirlwind. We did not know what all was going on so we kept things pretty quiet except for our close friends. I have found that I have been telling our story a lot lately. The more I keep telling our story, the more I realized that I really needed to write everything down. God has done so many amazing things in our life and it would be crazy to not share it. This also gives us a way to be able to look back and remember this amazing time when God showed out in our lives!
On Wednesday June 11, I woke up early in the morning in extreme pain right below my pregnant belly. I waited for Matt to wake up and then I called my doctor's office. They told me to come straight in. After being hooked up to monitors and talking with my doctor, it was concluded that I probably had a kidney infection but we would know more the next day when the culture came back. Another doctor's appointment made for the following day. So I went home....still in pain.
Thursday we went back to the doctor and did the same thing. They still felt it was a kidney infection so they gave me a shot of an antibiotic just in case and told me I should have immediate relief. Another appointment made for the following day. Well...that relief never came.
Friday we drive back to the doctor and I am now in more pain than I was the previous days. A high risk doctor was contacted and both doctors talked for a while and had several concerns. The culture came back negative for a kidney infection but they still wanted to do an ultrasound of my kidneys to confirm. The worst case scenario was now given: there is a great risk of uterine rupture. The prognosis is not good for both mom and baby. It was decided that I would be admitted to Doctor's Hospital for a 24 hour observation. We were given several hours to go home and pack a bag and then report in to the hospital.
This is about when I started to get very nervous. I felt that I was slowly losing control and I did not like it. We went home to pack and I started panicking on what could happen. There had been talk of delivering Will early but I knew that as of that day (Friday the 13th), I was only 34 weeks and the thought of him coming early just scared me. I remember sitting in the middle of his nursery stressing because I hadn't sterilized anything yet (it was on that lovely to-do list of mine) and that I probably needed to get my breast pump stuff all together because if he came this early, he would surely go straight to the NICU.
We checked into the hospital knowing only a few things:
1. I was in intense pain
2. This was probably going to last more than 24 hours
3. The worst case scenario was very scary and becoming more probable the longer it went on....
On Wednesday June 11, I woke up early in the morning in extreme pain right below my pregnant belly. I waited for Matt to wake up and then I called my doctor's office. They told me to come straight in. After being hooked up to monitors and talking with my doctor, it was concluded that I probably had a kidney infection but we would know more the next day when the culture came back. Another doctor's appointment made for the following day. So I went home....still in pain.
Thursday we went back to the doctor and did the same thing. They still felt it was a kidney infection so they gave me a shot of an antibiotic just in case and told me I should have immediate relief. Another appointment made for the following day. Well...that relief never came.
Friday we drive back to the doctor and I am now in more pain than I was the previous days. A high risk doctor was contacted and both doctors talked for a while and had several concerns. The culture came back negative for a kidney infection but they still wanted to do an ultrasound of my kidneys to confirm. The worst case scenario was now given: there is a great risk of uterine rupture. The prognosis is not good for both mom and baby. It was decided that I would be admitted to Doctor's Hospital for a 24 hour observation. We were given several hours to go home and pack a bag and then report in to the hospital.
This is about when I started to get very nervous. I felt that I was slowly losing control and I did not like it. We went home to pack and I started panicking on what could happen. There had been talk of delivering Will early but I knew that as of that day (Friday the 13th), I was only 34 weeks and the thought of him coming early just scared me. I remember sitting in the middle of his nursery stressing because I hadn't sterilized anything yet (it was on that lovely to-do list of mine) and that I probably needed to get my breast pump stuff all together because if he came this early, he would surely go straight to the NICU.
We checked into the hospital knowing only a few things:
1. I was in intense pain
2. This was probably going to last more than 24 hours
3. The worst case scenario was very scary and becoming more probable the longer it went on....
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